ab kya?

In the absence, it was working
In the presence it is failing
Now What?

My dear mamoo

a very sad end to a man so gentle so loving and so dear to us all

the regret coated with pain of not doing more for him while he lived and breathed the air we do will journey with us till the end

may Allah grant him a good place and free him from any burdens he carries Inshallah.

so sad for a man so soft

so sad for my dear uncle who has lost his life to such tragic events caused by his own.

an event that no one will forget

an event that will bring tears whenever his sincere and humble smile comes to mind.

Allah un ko Janath Naseeb Karein

Ameen

Ray of Sunshine

My ray of sunshine is currently shining upon the Indian subcontinent, yep two whole weeks and absence always makes the heart grow fonder whenever she is away. I look forward to her return as the nights are bleak without our usual chitter chatter... our long updates via the mobile networks... our concerns addressed across one strong coffee with cream and one Starbucks signature hot chocolate...she'll be back and then I'll be back and then we'll be back...nattering to our delight!
Missing you
Love you
xxx

I am sure

I am not sure about this tainted love
many years of a pretence 
it was just a game
regretting was not my aim 
everlasting grief
not anymore
not today
hanya

Finale...or is it?

"Because sweet friend you and I
are like that red wall, it's a good idea in theory but somehow does not
work"

The GPU event, Docklands, London

A well deserved break with a hidden agenda was taken with my 12 year old modestly dressed daughter, we travelled down to the docklands, booked a very expensive hotel and chilled for 3 blissful days. Now our main purpose was to attend the 2 day Global Peace Unity event held at the Excel, London. My personal unspoken hidden agenda was thick crisp cotton sheets, room service, TV and restaurant food...just the usual really.
50 yards across from the once known Millennium dome aka 02 arena and settled 10 yards away from the river, I felt like I was in a London postcard. My off spring on the other hand pulled back the curtains and said that she was loving the view of the ocean!!! that was sweet, so I didn't really take her near the murky brown swish swishy water of the river Thames.
Anyway we enjoyed attending the conference and I had a bizarre bump in with an old friend that gave me a very pleasant surprise and the dream we shared as as young teenagers had become reality for her, I was in awe of her achievement...it was good
I will blog further about my own personal experience of attending this conference, however just for now I thought that giving you peeps a brief update of my goings on was the right thing to do!

Return with a twist

Okay... hormones give it a rest and let me get back to MY normal psychotic day to day routine... it isn't happening, I can't set myself free from a huge bubble gum bubble I seem to have fallen into and sunk in so deep that it has enclosed around me and yes it can be sweet and pink and all things nice but I have lost all control.

I can't
eat
sleep
think
work
chat
dress
comb
tidy
organise
drink
puff
shake
jump
caffeinate
chase
laugh
instead it has all been replaced with
crave
cry
sleep
tire
watch
weep
cry
sleep
crave
tire
eat
not eat
crave
tire
sleep
yawn
cry
not much fun really - I have many many supporters around me but I have to ask myself, how useful are these supporters? I mean I ask my much loved sibling to make me spaghetti bolognese...easy enough really but this is where the madness starts!!!!
I have a vision - spaghetti Bolognese
I think about the taste of that vision
all is good!!!
I sit down at the dining table
she used egg spaghetti, why I ask myself why o why??? therefore it was flat....it did not look like my vision!!! she also added mushrooms (which I have loved from the age of three) BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!! this is what I have been trying to warn everyone about...DO NOT USE YOUR INITIATIVE...if I have said spaghetti Bolognese then that's it - not mushrooms....not egg spaghetti!!!!!! just the vision and the taste that I associated with that vision!!!! eesh......

forgiven and forgotten

forgive and
forget,
forgave, i think
but not forgotten
please forgive,
and forget
you have to...
forgive and forget
you have to now!
for your sake
for my sake
for her sake
for it's sake
aynah

Emerald city...here I come!

WHAT A FRIGHTFUL WEEK I'VE HAD!
a week full of curiosity, contemplation, anticipation and lots of talking!
Once again I reach crossroads and the decision to be made will impact my whole life from this day forward. I am hoping that I have placed my foot on the correct path and that this path will lead me to as near to the emerald city as I can get, of course like Dorothy the wizard behind the curtain may be small and not so great as perceived by the people of OZ but hey the yellow brick road was fun and adventurous and gave the experiences that she would never have experienced in her black and white hometown. Unfortunately I have no ruby shoes so there will be no going back to Kansas but I do have my friends full of courage,brains and love around me wishing me well and walking by me every step.
I think that I've done good and even though it was a shock to me, I shall stick with it through thick and thin and know that I will grow to adore this new part of my life that has discretely crept in but has now been welcomed with an open heart and mind.
to all those that have advised, questioned and held my hand... x x x

aNiMaLs...

I wish I was wiser than the hooting owl

cleverer than the sly fox

stronger than the black stallion

smaller than the bear

quirkier than the pelican

swifter than the llama

faster than the cheetah

and more mellow than the raging bull!!!!

a known taurean on my block!

I need to stop comparing myself to animals!!!!

Planning a visit to London Zoo in October, what's the matter with me today? animals are

on the mind! I think I need to lay my head on a pillow that is softer than lambs wool!

and there I go again...

Forever Friends

How long is a piece of string? That is the question that comes to mind when somebody asks me how I am? I want to shout back "I don't know" because that's the answer in my head, but what comes out is "I'm fine". Now that is not far from the truth really because I am usually

Frantic-Irate-Neurotic-Emotional

but hey they hear the word fine and move onto the talking about the weather and work blah blah blah. However there are always the exceptions, the pals who know just by looking at the angle of the glint in my eye that things are not quite touching the tips of the happiest place in town!

They understand and cherish the different angles at wish I flutter and sympathise with my state of affairs rather than judging my errors and predicting that I will accumulate further errors before learning from my so called mistakes. In actual fact i believe that they do not ever refer to such acts as mistakes but actions of impulse and necessary acts of defiance against a system in which I refuse to participate. These selected few are called my friends! In that respect I do not have many friends but the few I do have I cherish from somewhere deep in my heart forever.

It's Pink, Sleek and shiny!

It's pink, sleek and shiny! I have been waiting for some time now for the arrival of my new and exciting gadget... I have not had one of these before and I know that it will give me day's and nights of sheer pleasure!

I have always wanted one of these - to be able to use it in the privacy of my own home as well as when I am travelling and this will so use up all the spare time I currently have in my life...oh yes this is gonna help me feel so much better as it will access all areas and it is of course"top of the range". It has cost me a bob or two but hey why compromise for something less effective? the more attachments the more creative I can be!

I'll ensure that it is charged up so anywhere I go I can just pop it into it's bag and use it as and when I please... I am actually using it right now, kinda have to balance it on my knees as I am used to the tabletop kind but I'm sure I'll get use to it!

Yes you have guessed ... I have received my new laptop... oh yes yes yes!!!

Sunday Morning

Hmmm... for the past 15 minutes I have started writing but I have deleted the whole line before reaching the fullstop. I have a headache and the television is on so it could just be that my mind is distracted by mr Big turning up to see Carries friends when she did not expect him to... or am I just tired? It is 1:15am Sunday morning and I have had a very busy day. Daughter is in bed, bella is asleep, house is spotless, so maybe it is just time for me to retire too.

gnite for today x

J I M A S

Attending Jimas was the much needed shove I needed to be motivated into the right direction. It reinforced my inner desires that were kindling away into ash ready to be blown away by the winds of despair.
The decision to attend was made for me by my misery and I know that at this moment in time it was the best decision I could have made.
It has confirmed to me that my heart is still alive and wanting more from this life then the prized possessions I absent mindly treasure. The sense of fulfilment I am seeking will come from within and no one will be able to take that away from me.
My priorities will change once again and this time I will get it right. Not only do my feet feel firmer on the ground but one by one my accumulation of grudges have fallen away from me. I feel closer to myself and my sheer mortality has come alive wanting and craving more.
I will entail to keep this light alive whilst I work towards my goal. 

New addition to the family...

I have never really liked cats...well I have nothing against felines themselves but I am not a very animal friendly kinda gal, my daughter on the other hand is an animal lover (as in only live animals, she is a vegetarian) and has managed to over ride my "no animals in the house" policy and we have landed ourselves with a small bundle of ginger fur!

Okay I suppose she is sort of cute and has an adorable little kitty of a face, but a litter tray in the kitchen and dirty cat bowls are really not my idea of fun.

To make matters worse I have a some very large male cats roaming my street so poor little Tinkerbell AKA Bella is restricted to the four walls of my house. I am going to have to re think this whole living arrangement as my house is beginning to have a catty smell and my sense of privacy seems to have been invaded as whenever my laptop is open, little Bella is sitting next to me watching every move my fingers make and is fascinated with the screen.... oh and the final whiskers on the cat is that it's claws love my 400 thread count bed linen...
Note to oneself: think of a kind and sweet way to convince offspring that I am allergic to cats and have a rash all over!

A piece of peace...

After a long time I am feeling a little piece of Peacefulness in my life.
It is just a tiny bit of Peace but I can feel the difference in my life already. I have more control over my feelings and they are not running away from me filled with anger and frustrations.
Every small day to day action has become a lot easier and I am enjoying the "ME" time. I am hoping that I can build on these feelings and attain a level of Peace that I have not been in for a very long time.
I realised yesterday that I did not have to go out and search for such things, but they have been here with me all the time. I have just had to revert back to part of my former self.
The thought of not having to fake my own being is a pleasure I hugged last night with all my might.I know that I will offend many around me with my not so usual reactions and I already have had the spiel of questions that I was expecting! Aww are you missing? Aww you alright? Aww what’s the matter babe? Man I’m bored of them, therefore a sweet smile partnered with a pair of glazed eyes is the response maintained for all these occasions.

I know that the people that I care for and who mean more to me then anything else will be pleased for me.

Packing it up...

I am having a major clear out... I normally do this every so often however today is different. These are not my things and I am not throwing anything away, just putting them away temporarily, they may come back out again or they may not.

I am doing it while my daughter is at her nana's house even though I know that her observant nature will pick up on her mama putting all her emotions away, but she is also very discrete and so I am sure will not say anything about it, well I hope that she doesn't.

I have had some consolation from a very good friend however my ray of sunshine is dancing on the beaches of Cornwall and I think I am feeling her need tremendously. I will continue with my pack up and hope that whatever happens with these possessions will be by the will of Allah and for the betterment of our future.

Loving all those who know enough to support me with kind words and I will attempt to look forward to the next few months with a positive attitude!

What if...?

what if I had said
what if I had not done so?
what if I had not felt?
what if I had never looked?
what if I had never craved?
what if I had listened?
what if I had done so?
what if I had not strayed?
what if I had belonged?
what if I had cried?
what if I had consoled?
what if I had not bled?
what if I had just listened?
what if I had made it?
what if I had not stood so firm?
what if I had not been so stubborn?
what if I had cared enough not to?
My life is currently filled with many what if's...?

Guidance

 I am looking for some guidance and am not sure where to begin.I have always defended my right to have a relationship with God in my own way, however I have come to the conclusion that no such relationship exists with myself and the great Allah. I have a faith that is based on the teaching of Islam but I do nothing to strengthen this faith and am lost as to what it really means to me. I know that I feel guilty in the eyes of Allah but why? and in time of need I am afraid that I will be unable to communicate my needs and to be honest will feel ashamed to do so.We all have this expectation that our prayers will be heard but what if they are not? what if God refuses to listen?There is so much out there and I have always turned away from the male dominated versions of the interpretations of the Quran, so maybe it is time I picked it up and held it close in order to find what I am looking for. I hate the fact that I am having to admit this.If I do not do this now, I do not think that I ever will.My reservations about Islamic teachings need to be put aside as does the knowledge I have already attained through word of mouth and I will start from the beginning, with the facts. I will read research, listen and understand what I hear and what is being read and then hopefully after some time I will be able to come to a different conclusion.I will be starting by attending the 4 day Islamic Conference to be held in Leicester UK, I do not know what to expect but I seem to want something... and if that something is a two way relationship with Allah, then I need to get going, cos none of us know when and how it will be too late.May the greatest power guide me...

The Core

Sitting in Costa in the middle of nowhere a very dear friend said something that has had me thinking about the whole concept and understanding of my beliefs. I will pursue his thoughts on this matter and encourage myself to figure out how I can abandon the weight of guilt and submit to the desire to find peace within myself.
I envy his complete commitment to have found peace in his own heart, and I will be overwhelmingly happy if I could even reach the half way mark. 
He always touches the core and for some bizarre reason my eyes rest on him with complete and utter respect. He is one of a kind.
loving you for your kind words, support and non judgmental attitude towards life.

Instincts

Where do I go from here? Do I give into my emotions or do I use my head and take control of the situation? I have always found it very hard not to follow my heart...... where I am today is because of this weakness...yes WEAKNESS, it can break me into tatters but I still follow it until I am at the point of destruction and then what do I do? I use my head and make that final decision and preserve a little energy to gather up the pieces of my broken self.....The re entry of a body that has caused me much pain in the past has emerged and I can not turn my back on it. My instincts want to take on this unfinished project and bring it to a point of completion. My craziness wants to hold and protect this being from feeling so helpless and rewind it back to the point at which we deserted ourselves many years ago...

Sad

I am not sure if it is a good idea to write on my blog with the feelings that are presently weighing me down. I am feeling extremely sad... not stressed, or panicked or angry but just sad. I want to write but I think I will just leave it at that for now. Too sad to even write....

My Gene

I have a gene, it is a ' I know that this is wrong but I shall still do it Gene'. It is a gene that has always given me a feeling of control and empowerment over my own chosen actions yet always repeatedly succeeds to cause so much anguish for other’s.

This gene does have some boundaries as it would never cause me to physically hurt anyone but I am sure that it has caused many or two excruciating emotional pain. Of course this gene does not set out targeting anyone's emotions but it always results in causing the hurt and then rides on back to me causing me to feel the guilt for causing the pain. Am I blaming the tools and it is actually the workman’s doing? probably. But nobody enjoys taking responsibility for the undeliberated ravage of anyone’s emotional breakdown? Not even me! who is somebody that seems to have wandered through life searching for errors to hold, comfort and then proceed alongside with.
I am not proud of my continuous thoughtless actions but at the time of doing I selflessly fulfil my want to please and satisfy my own curiosity and desire of that specific experience. Now don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with physical desire but only the urge to fulfil what I am feeling at that moment in time. Do I learn from my so called mistakes? Obviously not! but are they really mistakes or am I just so caught up in my own little set of societies given rules that I am no longer aware of what is right and what is wrong? Or even what I really want! I know that my actions are deemed as not so bad to some yet horrendous to others, is this me fighting with myself? Trying to show each and every individual what I want them to see? I have lost the way… I need to find myself for myself. I do not think that there has been a time in the past twenty years where I have looked in the mirror upon the reflection of my innerself and thought that “Yes I am happy and at peace with myself“.
I always seem to have this ongoing battle and although I know that I will one day achieve my greatest desire to love myself for me, today is not that day. Today is a bad day and my regrets and sorrows want to kick this gene’s ass.

The Tree

I always focus on what is directly ahead of me, that’s why I suppose I did not notice it even though it stood in very close proximity to me. I looked to my left only after he pointed it out. My preliminary reaction was "poor tree", it looked like it had been through a war, the contrast of the surrounding greenery so fresh and lush yet this poor tree stood bare and naked.

That moment…that time, I felt like the tree looked. Listening to my past from another’s perspective was confusing for me, it brought to me the realisation of how self-absorbed I was and how I overlooked some very crucial sentiments and let so much float away unnoticed.

Is there any point brooding over this now? My mind is rewinding and playing again and again the words, the laugh, the awkwardness, the wants…Mera Kuch 

Samaan tumhare paas parha hai

Sawun ke kucch bheeghey bheeghey din rakhey hain
Aur mere ik khut main lipti raat parhi hai
Wo raat bhujha doh mera woh samaan lauta doh……………..

Closure was the purpose but instead it opened up several untouched boxes containing harsh reality and emotions gone by.

What to do with these now?

I needed that closure I did not need to know how, why and when...
I savoured every word but I did not want it!

I ask myself how do I move on now after refreshing all these thought’s?

"Good night"

SO SIMPLE YET SO CRUEL;

TOO MUCH HISTORY IS ENCASED IN THESE TWO WORDS;

THEY SHOULD BE SEALED OFF IN AN ENVELOPE & ADDRESSED TO NO MANS LAND;

THEY DO NOT BELONG TO ME ANYMORE;

THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN SENT;

"OH WELL" (LONG DEEP SIGH)

APPARENTLY IT'S FOR THE BEST!

alone on this journey
without any fear
ready to face
what lies ahead

to reach a point
of no return
to reach a space
with no one left

should I be afraid?
i ask myself
am I afraid?
i ask myself

adhere to the rules
disengage from the truth
bear all that is received
ask for no more

is this the way?
i ask myself
am I afraid?
i ask myself

i am afraid

i tell myself

i am afraid

Shukuntala......

This represents shukuntala...smart...savvy...bright...fast....efficient and ahem....a show off!

(Please don't mind but I did warn you that this will be a blog for audiences who can handle the truth in a non judgmental way.......)

Cruising in Shukuntalas new Audi TT....oh no hang on...my mistake... sorry it is now her Mazda (bright red at that!) we sped along the country lanes passing paddocks and fields of green lush on a very summery day!!!! The music not quite so Punjabi, however still blaring from the mandatory system that enhances cars of this league. After a light brunch (feast) at Pizza hut we were both too satisfied with life to even move our mouths in conversation so we chose to sit back and relax... well she had to drive! I just laid back and watched the summer sky fly by...
We shared this blissful time together and then it happened...

wham!!!!!! bang....*clash!!!! **crash!!!**** as we turned into my street........reality hit me smack in the face...it started to rain and as I rolled out the car onto the pavement (very low set), I remembered that I have got s***loads of housework/cooking/ironing/dusting/ vacuuming etc etc etc waiting to greet me at home...so I dragged my feet along the path and re entered my life through the front door leaving behind the speed and buzz of the drive... (just a small insight for you into my Saturday afternoon's)

Heer Ranjha

The beauty of Allah's earth.....................................................A scene you will probably never get to see. This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest point. You also see the sun below the moon.

This beautiful photo was sent to me by a friend who I have a very bizarre relationship with.

It is non existent in a very extreme sort of way.
Every year without fail a message will come through via email or sms messaging wishing me best wishes for the day. It brings a smile to my lips and memories of his infatuated talk come back to surface for a few minutes. We were introduced by a mutual friend as friends but somewhere along the lines of friendship he became a Ranjha to his Heer ........incredible really as we only met on a couple of occasions.
It' s weird and wonderful how our paths cross with individuals that can have such an impact......... You discover sides of yourself that you never knew, you see traits that you have carried all your life but never noticed. I've decided that you do not have to be in love with someone to have the heart warming sensation of a genuine friendship. I'm glad that I met him, at least I know that when my mind is low and my self esteem hits the ground, one phone call is all it will take to lift me up in the air again..................................

Ranjha & Heer grieving emotions

“RaaNjha RaaNjha Kardi Ni MaeN
”RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeN

Aape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

RaaNjha maeN vich maeN raaNjhe vich,

Hor khayaal na koi,

MaeN naheeN, o aap haiAapani aap kare dil joi.
RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeN

Aape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Jo koee saaday aNder wasseyzaat asaa

Dee oheejis dey naal meyN niyooNh

lagaayaaoh jehee hoeeRaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeNAape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Hath khunDi, mere ahge maNgu,

MoDHe bhoora loe,

Bulha heer saleTi vekhoKithe ja khaloi.

RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeNAape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Translation:
Repeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .

Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Ranjha is in me and I in Ranjha .

No other thought exists.

It is he who has done this, not I.

He does it to amuse himself.

Repeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Whoever dwells in me,

He is my casteWhoever I love, I

have become exactly like HimRepeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .

Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Staff in hand, bowl outstretched,

A coarse brown blanket on his shoulder.Look, says Bulha ,

Where Heer stands!Repeating his name,

I have become RaaNjha .Call me Ranjha , not Heer
Bulleh Shah

What have I done ?

what have I done?... I think that this may be all my fault...I keep telling myself that it is not such a bad thing, however my 12 year old daughter has officially become an "obsessive cleaner".

I do have a particular way of cleaning/wiping dusting/sorting/labelling/filing in my house but I do not actually see it as obsessive!!!! or manic!!!! (even though I have been accused more than once of having a Monica streak in me)

I am beginning to think that it must be a "gene" thing as my daughter fortunately or unfortunately (can't decide) has also inherited this particular "gene" from me.

It all came to light when I fell asleep with exhaustion last night (earlier than my usual 2am drop off on sofa) and was awoken to the sound of the vacuum cleaner...... I thought that I must be most definitely dreaming as only "I" use Henry! so I dropped out of bed and walked over to the familiar sound...and that's when I saw it...my 12 year old vacuuming her window blinds with the upholstery attachment...I blinked twice and looked across her spotless room and noted that she had an array of my (best friends as they have been called on several occasions) cleaning products on her desk!!!! 'Mr muscle' and my 'furniture wipes' seemed to be looking up at me expectantly, waiting for me to hold them and carry them back to the cleaning cupboard settling them back in their allocated (by size) spot but I resisted the temptation. I turned around and walked back and climbed back into my bed...

Believing this to be a dream when I awoke in the morning, I went straight into my off springs bedroom and realised it was no dream..., my daughter's Cleanaholic gene has come to surface... there was not a speck of dust to be seen anywhere or a hairpin out of place! I checked the cleaning cupboard and oh Yes Mr muscle was back in his exact spot in line with all my other pals... Henry was back in his exact spot under the stairs cupboard, attachment back in the box labelled vacuum attachments!!!!! ...obsessive....what huh..... me??? of course not....cleanaholic?? ...whatever made you think that ?

Could, Woulda, Shoulda.......

"When Life seems at it's worse, the best is yet to come"

I have always been an optimist; waiting for the time to come hoping that it will be the best. I am tired now and am not sure which way to turn?

Whichever direction I look to turn into i can see a big heavy black cloud sitting above it.

Contradictory or what?!

This obviously contradicts me being an optimist however I am slowly losing all hope that there is something out there waiting for me to experience as mine.Spent the night weeping for myself and feeling so drained and helpless. I never thought that I was the self pitying type but I really and truly felt sorry for myself . I need to break out of this cycle of self destruction that I seem to be falling deeper and deeper into. I am not liking my being for feeling this way and even though I have always said that I could, would and should, it is turning into a life full of lots of coulda, woulda, shoulda's!!!!!!

goodbye.................

My anger

His anger

playful thoughts

Playful teasing

My anger

His anger

one way

both ways

He said

I said

"If only"

He thought

"As if"

She thought

well here we go

another day

another year

so long

goodbye

have fun

be good

x

DKNY

At last..........hey ho....... yee ha........found it. the black bag!!! okay so it's not all leather and it does not have straps long enough to sit comfortably on my shoulders ........ only one compartment.... but it did steal my heart at first sight.....well actually not first sight but fifth trip round the large designer store.

The price.....well we wont go into that, however I did get 10% discount for using my store card and as the sales assistant was a peroxide blond (no offence to any Blondie's reading my blog) she mistakenly took off 10% off twice giving me even a bigger discount!!! which of course I did not notice till I checked the receipt at home!!!!

It is a designer brand, at this point I would like you to know that I am not a designer fanatic but it does feel nice sitting on my lap displayed to the world...... and it is of course exceptional quality. I do find myself justifying my purchase which I do not really have to do, however if I get bored of it I can always sell it on EBay!!! ......... but I wont cos it made the trip to London with me and it did not bother me once, in fact it is a great addition to my already large collection of handbags no one has ever said that we are only allowed a few........... I guess it is similar to how men count the notches on their bed post, us gals like to count the bags in our closet................there can never be too many and the different experiences of each bag just makes us better at what we do!!!!!!The moral of the story is;

"if you look hard enough you will find it and once you have it just enjoy it"

Where is my ******* ?.........

Two gal pals travelled to London...what a wonderful time they had... they walked and talked and laughed and joked, they ate and ate and ate and ate...(well it was the weekend and the diet will definitely be starting on Monday)
My two day escapade started with stepping off the train, then the question was asked "where's my *******?". Rummaging around in the very expensive DKNY handbag, it was produced and the withdrawal symptoms accrued during the train ride were waved goodbye. The day continued with a trip to Harley Street ("where's my *******?") and a meal in a Lebanese Restaurant ("where's my *******?")followed by some mint tea, a strawberry flavoured Shisha ("where's my *******?") and stares from passers by. No care in the world and only the stretch of Edgeware road ahead of us, ("where's my *******?")

From a couple we turned into a trio and the company was a warm welcome. Baskin Robbin's (31) increased their sales with our double scoop visit and the walk back to Oxford Circus tube station ("where's my *******?") transformed three persons into Angelina Jolie, Kung fu Panda and the Incredible Hulk ( don't ask...)

The descent upon Leicester Square felt very rebellious.... surrounded by the moody lighting, the decor and the application of some quick lippy in the ladies.....(hmmmm lol .....felt like a nun on pleasure Island...)anyway the night eventually came to an end in a Holiday Inn double bed where two gal pals fought over the temperature... I think it may have reflected how we are in life.....basically I was constantly way too hot and she constantly too cold ; )

to be continued......................

The magician

I know of a magician who's magic has never worked with me. He is annoyingly in my life on a daily basis and I think that he is here to stay. I would like to say that we have a very unique friendship and on this basis I requested him to say a few words on the greatness of our platonic and very sincere relationship. He hurriedly sent me a few words, of course I will leave you to judge how accurate he is, however I do not agree with any of it, even though he did make me smile with his sick sense of humour!

Profile : Aynah
Likes : Card Making, Coffee, Ebaying, puffing
Dislikes : Exercise, Sport

Aynah is a cross between Carrie from Sex in the city and Ghandi, in which I mean she is a hip girl who loves coffee shops and bags but has deep religious views. I hope you werent thinking that she is a bit of a slut with a bald head. She certainly doesn't have a bald head…...

I ask myself:

Could she become a female escort.
This is a tricky one, Aynah would undoubtedly hand make an invitation to the client and make sure the house was spotless, but when it came to any action, would puff before, after and during

What would she do if she had a winning lottery ticket?She would spend a week looking through her filofax/purse for it, then give it all away.

Is she a good friend?
Well yes, exceptional and even if she wasn't, she is a good person to know as may get a heads up if the extremists want to bomb my house.

Does she have any secrets?
Yes lots and lots.

Would she make a good secret agent?
She would love the bit when it comes to sitting in coffee shops, other than that, rubbish.

Is her blog a waste of time?Most certainly not, I will tune in regularly

Bricks

You can try to forget what has happened and look forward to what can happen?

but do you actually forget? how do you rise from the desire to deny all that you have experienced and start anew? the past is what has made you today. The experiences are the bricks that have built you, every action is based on past actions...how do you let go of yourself to be yourself?

Others advice does not apply as they are built from different bricks... their make up will differ, hence the advice they offer may not be suitable. In the end you have to decide what is best for you yourself. You can not always choose your options but you can always make the decision as to which option to choose and I strongly believe that any choices we make are ours alone and no one else is responsible for them. We may say that we were forced to choose a certain path, however subconsciously maybe we actually wanted to choose it but did not want to admit to it...

Having to justify my actions to others..... what I do is what I want to do and if anyone else has a problem with it then that is their problem, not mine!!!!! we are all accountable in one way or another for our own actions only and it is time that we all took responsibility for them.

Loving all the people who have ever guided me but allowed me to walk it my way, and if I have swayed from side to side or even fallen over, they have allowed me to get right back up brush myself down and keep on walking....not looking back..... but only forwards with my new experience of the fall and learning from it.

Tired

Sometimes life can get so tiresome. I'm having to look past and beyond my choices before I make them. I do not have the time anymore to play and some serious thinking needs to take place between my ears before I proceed any further. Wishing that it could be easier. I feel so old!

Darkness - Darren Hayes

They say I am the kindest

But it is easier to

Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began

All I know I was covered in darkness
Turning pages over

Run away to nowhere

And it's hard to take control

When your
enemy's old and afraid of you

You'll discover that the monster you were running from

Is the monster in you Better to hold on to love

Change will come

It doesn't
really matter where it all began

All I know I was covered in darkness

It doesn't
really matter where it all began

Cuz all I know I was lost

No, no It doesn't
really matter where it all began no no

All I know I was lost

I feel lost Lost
No...

Darren Hayes

HaNdBaGs.....

It's a tough life........

How difficult can it be to buy a black leather handbag? well according to my attempts this week, it is incredibly difficult.

I have been out many times this week, walking around the displays with bags set out to appeal to the female bag loving mind, spent over an hour each day browsing big bags, small bags, huge bags, and tiny bags and nothing! The displays did not look quite so great after I had touched, unzipped, checked lining, felt pockets and tried it on, but then I did have a time restriction of only an hour's lunch break and that does not include time for tidying up!

Im absolutely sure that it can't really be my fault that I can't find the ideal leather bag to fit my large organiser yet small enough for my phones not to get lost, with appropiate sized handles and metal accessories that are not too shiny. Not that I'm very fussy or anything but it is hard being a woman of taste! maybe if I increase my price range and decrease my criteria I will have better luck! then again I could just use one of the many that are sitting so very neatly in order of size on the top shelf of my wardrobe!!

Beautiful Fear

what a beautiful sight,.......one day I will stand at a point of such beauty with a love so dear, is that love anywhere near me today? My desire to say "Yes " and feel the warmth and pleasure of the sincere thoughts and feelings of this love is so great..............I thought I had it once but I let it slip away too easily, was that true love? if it was then how could I let it go so easily...... my legs buckled and I gave in to the fall and let gravity win. ...... or is that just an excuse?

Gossip......

"If I have to form an opinion on the basis of gossip, you'd stand out as one of the ugliest but if I have to put forward what my own senses have observed, you have been the one sane and righteous even while dwelling among the most ailing. Now if I have to go for one of these two, I'd most certainly choose the latter for my senses have seldom but the gossip has almost always betrayed me"

J.

I asked J to say a few words for me to put here, I was expecting compliments and great gestures of affection, however he knows that I will be reading between the lines and will acknowledge his understanding of me and he summarised it pretty well.

J.

J will always hold a special place in my heart

J is one of the sweetest persons I have known

J is intellegent, intiutive and very objective

J is clever, observant and handsome.

J is a body I met in 1994...... On the very first meeting he made me laugh and I adored the way his humour carried an edge of sarcasm, he was so young then, yet had such an understanding of life that I felt that he was very brave to have such opinions that I would never have dared aired.

Over the years (14 years) I have seen him grow and develop into the J that he is now. He has had to turn many ways to get where he is now, and I hope that he is happy and has reached his place of peace.

for J & S good luck with all my love hm x

I asked J to share his thoughts with me:

Revert to “ A ..

The love J. pleads
No heart keeps
The knowledge J. needs
No science reveals
The fear J. feels
No religion heals
The answers J. seeks
No philosopher speaks
The satisfaction J. reads
No world feeds
The riddle J. leads
No Darwin reached
What J. sowed; all wrong seeds
What J. reaps; all wasteful heaps

O’ poor J!
Revert your heart to “A..” -
The seed of love, knowledge and satisfaction
Relax into the aroma of the infinite affection…

J.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goodbye

There’s nothing left to say
What was beautiful has already passed away
Still a noise doesn’t let me sleep
And once again I have to weep
Memories of you
Drag me back into the world untrue

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Gone are those solacing embraces
Leaving behind few gloomy faces
We ran only a little to fill those spaces
You must’ve reached back
Loosening your laces?
Where am I?
(…Ah!) Still out there where you left to die
Now will take ages
To seek & stroll back my traces
A home once burnt
All around are its ashes
Like dark snow
They cover all places

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

How’s the little sis?
Does she love me still?
She was found but only to be lost ‘gain
Winds did bring those clouds
But this rain of pain
The rain of pain!

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Big towns - bigger clowns
Strong lights - stronger nights
No, here love holds no worth
So collect all this material on earth
…One day you’ll regret
But nothing you’ll get
Oh no, nothing you’ll get!

Yes, you’re overgrown and I’m only a child
But isn’t it why I’m not that wild?

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Goodbye my dear Uncle & Aunt
My prayers may but voice will never haunt
Wishes gone, promises torn
Offended! Dejected! Wrongly projected!
Your Jiss’s already gone
Never will reborn!
Never can reform!

J.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juny Hasn’t Learnt!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play

I disgraced myself many a time for you
And you know still I do...
Wonder why I don’t change
Bullets fly and I always fall right in their range
Still you think what I want is the Girl
O’ my Dear, girl’s not the only pearl left in this world
See in my eyes, on my face, deep into my scars
They may explain to you why I fought all these wars
If you still can’t see
Listen to me:
Only to discover a new home – love, family and sincerity
But pierced my heart, the sword of friend; not enemy

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play

You know this pain I always give
So leave my heart; live and let live
Oh hey: Bury me alive or drown me into the ocean
I may find a place of peace for my heart – broken!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play
I could be a liar, could pretend like a hero
And you could only know my side one, not zero
I’m happy I didn’t deceive you in any way
It satisfies that I’ve lost you in a fair-play!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: Dear Juny: When’d you learn how to play?
Life is a tactful game
And I’m a tactless shame!

J.