My Gene

I have a gene, it is a ' I know that this is wrong but I shall still do it Gene'. It is a gene that has always given me a feeling of control and empowerment over my own chosen actions yet always repeatedly succeeds to cause so much anguish for other’s.

This gene does have some boundaries as it would never cause me to physically hurt anyone but I am sure that it has caused many or two excruciating emotional pain. Of course this gene does not set out targeting anyone's emotions but it always results in causing the hurt and then rides on back to me causing me to feel the guilt for causing the pain. Am I blaming the tools and it is actually the workman’s doing? probably. But nobody enjoys taking responsibility for the undeliberated ravage of anyone’s emotional breakdown? Not even me! who is somebody that seems to have wandered through life searching for errors to hold, comfort and then proceed alongside with.
I am not proud of my continuous thoughtless actions but at the time of doing I selflessly fulfil my want to please and satisfy my own curiosity and desire of that specific experience. Now don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with physical desire but only the urge to fulfil what I am feeling at that moment in time. Do I learn from my so called mistakes? Obviously not! but are they really mistakes or am I just so caught up in my own little set of societies given rules that I am no longer aware of what is right and what is wrong? Or even what I really want! I know that my actions are deemed as not so bad to some yet horrendous to others, is this me fighting with myself? Trying to show each and every individual what I want them to see? I have lost the way… I need to find myself for myself. I do not think that there has been a time in the past twenty years where I have looked in the mirror upon the reflection of my innerself and thought that “Yes I am happy and at peace with myself“.
I always seem to have this ongoing battle and although I know that I will one day achieve my greatest desire to love myself for me, today is not that day. Today is a bad day and my regrets and sorrows want to kick this gene’s ass.