Now you have something to say......

You say we have nothing in common.

Really?

Is that so?

Well I have to disappoint you!

We actually do.

No matter how different we are,

we're both human beings

we breathe

we eat

we hurt

we smile

we cry

we're under the same sky

we love

we hate

we have feelings......

Now you have something to say

Hanya

Cant get this song out of my mind - SOMEONE LIKE YOU - Adele

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

In silence we met

In Silence we met

In silence I grieve

That thy heart could forget

The spirit deceive

If I should meet thee

after long years

How should I greet thee 

With Silence or tears

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
 Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you Off in the night while you live it up
I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me Someone like me I'm ready now
Someone like you
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
I've been roaming around up
Looking down at all I see

pixie lott

n i a s s u h a y n a h

H aving it all
A nd knowing it all
N ever letting it go
Y ielding as much as i can
A nd holding on

H as me thinking that
U nderstanding
S uch feelings is
S o enlightening so
A s to what point will
I surrender and
N ever to let go

EVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

looking beyond

afar

in the distance and seeing the smile of wisdom

the smile of love

the twinkle in the eyes

the thoughts lost in a vast sea of illusions

could he?

did he?

does he?

of course he does!

could she?

does she?

did she?

of course she did

then why all this misery?

because we are and always will be the culprit of our own distruction....

can we make it better?

of course we can

but is it too late?

maybe

maybe not

who knows?

he knows and always will

forever and ever

n
ever

n

ever

n

ever

never?

one small mistake can change the result.... always see from each angle not from what it just seems like to you!

love

Hanya

Christmas

Besides the trillions of smaller things, the one thing I missed whilst living abroad in Pakistan was Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas time. My favourite season of the year is winter so combined with the yuletide festivities I could really not ask for anything more. Now don't get me wrong, the holly jolly Christmas season is not about religion for me, and neither is it the massive commercialised coca cola Santa Claus either!

The flavours of Christmas clementines, cinnamon hot teas and spiced apple pies, eating chocolates with no remorse and receiving gifts from neighbours you have never spoken to! I love it for the warmth you feel indoors and how home becomes your sanctuary after a long cold day.

My favourite Christmas memory has to be the one where dad would pack all the kids into the car and drive down Oxford street to show us all the Christmas lights. To this day I like to go and see the Christmas lights! No anar kali or liberty could replace that childhood memory or for that matter even come near. Christmas has nothing to do with my religion and many people around me suggest that celebrating it in any manner is wrong, however the memories linked with the innocence of childhood cant be erased.

G for Gemaal

So proud of Gemaal as his achievements have filled me with contentment, pride and the knowledge that he will be alright - InshaAllah.
Praying to Allah for his success to rise to unimaginable peaks and his dreams fulfilled.
He is surely blessed by his mothers Dua's and love.
Keep on striving: you were the last one in a line of six but are now at number one.
Love Hanya

I Talk

I talk
To no avail

I speak
But no one is listening

I cry
no one to wipe the tears

I yearn
To no effect

I scream
But it is silent

I try
But nothing changes

My pain within is mine alone

My heart beats to no sound

My breath is unsettled

But again nothing

Except empty promises of change
Of Love
Of merry go rounds
With no lights
No music
No horses
No movement
No life
So no Point
Except for a vast space
Filled with empty cold metal

The eeriness
The silence
The cold harsh metal of my life
Is mine for keeps
My yearning will never stop for bright lights music and love
For the warmth Of the enclosure Of arms of love

I talk

to no avail

I write with the plan to avail.

Hanya

Blog revamp!

Sorry guys if my blog is looking a bit green! it is not ill, I just felt like a change and after trying out

• black - mysterious
• Red - sexy
• Lime Green & Pink - Bold and vivacious

I have in fact returned to a natural and calm colour theme of green and beige which to be honest I guess is what reflects my personality. I like routine and familiarity, I like nature and the serenity of it. I fantasise about being bold, wild and daring but in reality it ain't happened yet! I guess one should never say never so watch this space. 

bye for now
Love and Hugs
Hanya

misunderstood

Coming away from an ordeal of trying to explain my frustrations and not being understood.

Misunderstood for so long, the frustration is infuriating in itself
waiting for him to say the right words and take the lead
Him not hearing my cries
My screams of hurt
My senses turning numb with the effort of trying
Trying to make a point
A point that I have been making for what seems a lifetime
A lifetime of inconsistent love
A lifetime of words
Hours and hours of just words
Is he listening?
Does he care?
Has he ever listened
Has he ever cared?
I know nothing anymore
I want to not care anymore
I want to give up
But can't
I won't

Hanya

Bizarreness

A dream I had last night has had me thinking all day. An incident in my childhood (at the age of about 10 I think) was recalled in the dream and myself and this other person, we spoke about it, the emotions, the unspoken communication felt that many years ago were so strongly apparent in my dream that I woke up in a strange mode of days gone by.

I had always thought that it was only a one sided infatuation, however my dream has enlightened me and showed me that all along he did and has and now he came into my sleep and told me so.

The most bizarre thing was that the encounter in my dream was in the present. I have not seen him for over 20 years yet I knew what he looked like and recognised him by these feelings refreshed.

Bizarre totally bizarre!

Flattery will get you no where

No.

I am not flattering you and I don't want to go anywhere.

I am telling you the truth.

You can't compare yourself with anything.

You are prettier of all.

I Dream

I dream a dream

of laying my head on
the same pillow
of smiling as I watch him
do his thing,
His smile
His stance
His jokes

The eyes; his smiling eyes
My eyes watching him
loving him
feeling him
knowing him
smiling with him

I dream of laying next to him
knowing that his eyes are
loving me
feeling me
knowing me
smiling with me

I dream a dream
only a dream

hanya

TiMeLeSs QuAlItY

• REMIND ME OF THAT TIME
• show me that time
• A TIME GONE BY
• a time lost but not forgotten
• A TIME WITH TIMELESS QUALITY
• a time with all i thought i needed
• SHOW ME THAT TIME
• remind me of that time

for a second......

What to a make of it?

His swagger

His look

His Laugh

His manner

His Jovialness

His Craziness

But does he?

Will he?

Is he?

What to make of the outwardly glance?

...the moment of stillness

if only for a second

the beat of my heart

still

if only for a second.......

HANYA

How can one tell?

how can one tell

how one is feeling
if all one's life you have lived a lie
a lie that started with no end in sight
a lie that brought you the good and the sad
a lie that engulfs you with every breath
a lie that you did not tell but it engulfed your life
so now you live a life

• so false
• so fake
• such a farce 

Hanya

Fear

With these feelings, I walk the rope -

Afraid - not of the fall but of the fear of falling

Hanya

maybe it is.....

Crazy as it may be

lonely as it maybe

the love for solitude

is not crazy to me

Peace around me

no one near me

hearing my thoughts

all alone in me

brings me to think

that crazy as it may seem

lonely as it may seem

the love for solitude

is not as crazy as it may seem

Hanya

The Fire is on

Neglected my blog for a very long time but the amount of thoughts I have accumulated should keep me busy for some time. 

I am going through many views, feelings and emotions all day and everyday.
It is time to create and recreate myself from scratch. Falling, brushing down and getting up seems to be the story of my life.
My exterior never gives away my feelings however inside the heat is on and I am on fire. Don't want to smoulder anymore, want to keep it bright and alive.

I wish...

i wish upon upon a star

a star so bright so bright so far

so far so close so close i burnt 

i burnt real bad real bad i felt

i felt the skip the skip of my heart

my heart ablaze ablaze with heat

the heat was too much too much for me

for me so true so true for him

for him not so not so

I wish...

aynah x

9 months later

The fact that I am blogging again means that I am returning back to some kind of mental stability and have a little time to myself after going through nine months of physical and emotional turmoil! The newest addition to the family has plonked herself on my lap and is one of the most beautiful bundles of babyness that I have ever been blessed with. Just to recap I have one 13 year old daughter and have now been given a cute little human being to nurture and love once again.
Loving every minute of it and hating the lack of minutes I have in my life to do everything else!
My life flipped inside out for a while and now I am recuperating and prioritising my baby's life to fit into mine, well actually I think it would be right to say for my life to fit into hers!
Her entrance into the world was a shy one however her feisty nature is evolving and her whimpers have turned into screams.
Loving her more each day, falling crazily in love with her every second. I felt a void and now that she is here, she has filled the space and blessed me with good things
Loving you "Ayanah"
- mama -

ab kya?

In the absence, it was working
In the presence it is failing
Now What?

My dear mamoo

a very sad end to a man so gentle so loving and so dear to us all

the regret coated with pain of not doing more for him while he lived and breathed the air we do will journey with us till the end

may Allah grant him a good place and free him from any burdens he carries Inshallah.

so sad for a man so soft

so sad for my dear uncle who has lost his life to such tragic events caused by his own.

an event that no one will forget

an event that will bring tears whenever his sincere and humble smile comes to mind.

Allah un ko Janath Naseeb Karein

Ameen

Ray of Sunshine

My ray of sunshine is currently shining upon the Indian subcontinent, yep two whole weeks and absence always makes the heart grow fonder whenever she is away. I look forward to her return as the nights are bleak without our usual chitter chatter... our long updates via the mobile networks... our concerns addressed across one strong coffee with cream and one Starbucks signature hot chocolate...she'll be back and then I'll be back and then we'll be back...nattering to our delight!
Missing you
Love you
xxx

I am sure

I am not sure about this tainted love
many years of a pretence 
it was just a game
regretting was not my aim 
everlasting grief
not anymore
not today
hanya

Finale...or is it?

"Because sweet friend you and I
are like that red wall, it's a good idea in theory but somehow does not
work"

The GPU event, Docklands, London

A well deserved break with a hidden agenda was taken with my 12 year old modestly dressed daughter, we travelled down to the docklands, booked a very expensive hotel and chilled for 3 blissful days. Now our main purpose was to attend the 2 day Global Peace Unity event held at the Excel, London. My personal unspoken hidden agenda was thick crisp cotton sheets, room service, TV and restaurant food...just the usual really.
50 yards across from the once known Millennium dome aka 02 arena and settled 10 yards away from the river, I felt like I was in a London postcard. My off spring on the other hand pulled back the curtains and said that she was loving the view of the ocean!!! that was sweet, so I didn't really take her near the murky brown swish swishy water of the river Thames.
Anyway we enjoyed attending the conference and I had a bizarre bump in with an old friend that gave me a very pleasant surprise and the dream we shared as as young teenagers had become reality for her, I was in awe of her achievement...it was good
I will blog further about my own personal experience of attending this conference, however just for now I thought that giving you peeps a brief update of my goings on was the right thing to do!

Return with a twist

Okay... hormones give it a rest and let me get back to MY normal psychotic day to day routine... it isn't happening, I can't set myself free from a huge bubble gum bubble I seem to have fallen into and sunk in so deep that it has enclosed around me and yes it can be sweet and pink and all things nice but I have lost all control.

I can't
eat
sleep
think
work
chat
dress
comb
tidy
organise
drink
puff
shake
jump
caffeinate
chase
laugh
instead it has all been replaced with
crave
cry
sleep
tire
watch
weep
cry
sleep
crave
tire
eat
not eat
crave
tire
sleep
yawn
cry
not much fun really - I have many many supporters around me but I have to ask myself, how useful are these supporters? I mean I ask my much loved sibling to make me spaghetti bolognese...easy enough really but this is where the madness starts!!!!
I have a vision - spaghetti Bolognese
I think about the taste of that vision
all is good!!!
I sit down at the dining table
she used egg spaghetti, why I ask myself why o why??? therefore it was flat....it did not look like my vision!!! she also added mushrooms (which I have loved from the age of three) BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!! this is what I have been trying to warn everyone about...DO NOT USE YOUR INITIATIVE...if I have said spaghetti Bolognese then that's it - not mushrooms....not egg spaghetti!!!!!! just the vision and the taste that I associated with that vision!!!! eesh......

forgiven and forgotten

forgive and
forget,
forgave, i think
but not forgotten
please forgive,
and forget
you have to...
forgive and forget
you have to now!
for your sake
for my sake
for her sake
for it's sake
aynah

Emerald city...here I come!

WHAT A FRIGHTFUL WEEK I'VE HAD!
a week full of curiosity, contemplation, anticipation and lots of talking!
Once again I reach crossroads and the decision to be made will impact my whole life from this day forward. I am hoping that I have placed my foot on the correct path and that this path will lead me to as near to the emerald city as I can get, of course like Dorothy the wizard behind the curtain may be small and not so great as perceived by the people of OZ but hey the yellow brick road was fun and adventurous and gave the experiences that she would never have experienced in her black and white hometown. Unfortunately I have no ruby shoes so there will be no going back to Kansas but I do have my friends full of courage,brains and love around me wishing me well and walking by me every step.
I think that I've done good and even though it was a shock to me, I shall stick with it through thick and thin and know that I will grow to adore this new part of my life that has discretely crept in but has now been welcomed with an open heart and mind.
to all those that have advised, questioned and held my hand... x x x

aNiMaLs...

I wish I was wiser than the hooting owl

cleverer than the sly fox

stronger than the black stallion

smaller than the bear

quirkier than the pelican

swifter than the llama

faster than the cheetah

and more mellow than the raging bull!!!!

a known taurean on my block!

I need to stop comparing myself to animals!!!!

Planning a visit to London Zoo in October, what's the matter with me today? animals are

on the mind! I think I need to lay my head on a pillow that is softer than lambs wool!

and there I go again...

Forever Friends

How long is a piece of string? That is the question that comes to mind when somebody asks me how I am? I want to shout back "I don't know" because that's the answer in my head, but what comes out is "I'm fine". Now that is not far from the truth really because I am usually

Frantic-Irate-Neurotic-Emotional

but hey they hear the word fine and move onto the talking about the weather and work blah blah blah. However there are always the exceptions, the pals who know just by looking at the angle of the glint in my eye that things are not quite touching the tips of the happiest place in town!

They understand and cherish the different angles at wish I flutter and sympathise with my state of affairs rather than judging my errors and predicting that I will accumulate further errors before learning from my so called mistakes. In actual fact i believe that they do not ever refer to such acts as mistakes but actions of impulse and necessary acts of defiance against a system in which I refuse to participate. These selected few are called my friends! In that respect I do not have many friends but the few I do have I cherish from somewhere deep in my heart forever.

It's Pink, Sleek and shiny!

It's pink, sleek and shiny! I have been waiting for some time now for the arrival of my new and exciting gadget... I have not had one of these before and I know that it will give me day's and nights of sheer pleasure!

I have always wanted one of these - to be able to use it in the privacy of my own home as well as when I am travelling and this will so use up all the spare time I currently have in my life...oh yes this is gonna help me feel so much better as it will access all areas and it is of course"top of the range". It has cost me a bob or two but hey why compromise for something less effective? the more attachments the more creative I can be!

I'll ensure that it is charged up so anywhere I go I can just pop it into it's bag and use it as and when I please... I am actually using it right now, kinda have to balance it on my knees as I am used to the tabletop kind but I'm sure I'll get use to it!

Yes you have guessed ... I have received my new laptop... oh yes yes yes!!!

Sunday Morning

Hmmm... for the past 15 minutes I have started writing but I have deleted the whole line before reaching the fullstop. I have a headache and the television is on so it could just be that my mind is distracted by mr Big turning up to see Carries friends when she did not expect him to... or am I just tired? It is 1:15am Sunday morning and I have had a very busy day. Daughter is in bed, bella is asleep, house is spotless, so maybe it is just time for me to retire too.

gnite for today x

J I M A S

Attending Jimas was the much needed shove I needed to be motivated into the right direction. It reinforced my inner desires that were kindling away into ash ready to be blown away by the winds of despair.
The decision to attend was made for me by my misery and I know that at this moment in time it was the best decision I could have made.
It has confirmed to me that my heart is still alive and wanting more from this life then the prized possessions I absent mindly treasure. The sense of fulfilment I am seeking will come from within and no one will be able to take that away from me.
My priorities will change once again and this time I will get it right. Not only do my feet feel firmer on the ground but one by one my accumulation of grudges have fallen away from me. I feel closer to myself and my sheer mortality has come alive wanting and craving more.
I will entail to keep this light alive whilst I work towards my goal. 

New addition to the family...

I have never really liked cats...well I have nothing against felines themselves but I am not a very animal friendly kinda gal, my daughter on the other hand is an animal lover (as in only live animals, she is a vegetarian) and has managed to over ride my "no animals in the house" policy and we have landed ourselves with a small bundle of ginger fur!

Okay I suppose she is sort of cute and has an adorable little kitty of a face, but a litter tray in the kitchen and dirty cat bowls are really not my idea of fun.

To make matters worse I have a some very large male cats roaming my street so poor little Tinkerbell AKA Bella is restricted to the four walls of my house. I am going to have to re think this whole living arrangement as my house is beginning to have a catty smell and my sense of privacy seems to have been invaded as whenever my laptop is open, little Bella is sitting next to me watching every move my fingers make and is fascinated with the screen.... oh and the final whiskers on the cat is that it's claws love my 400 thread count bed linen...
Note to oneself: think of a kind and sweet way to convince offspring that I am allergic to cats and have a rash all over!

A piece of peace...

After a long time I am feeling a little piece of Peacefulness in my life.
It is just a tiny bit of Peace but I can feel the difference in my life already. I have more control over my feelings and they are not running away from me filled with anger and frustrations.
Every small day to day action has become a lot easier and I am enjoying the "ME" time. I am hoping that I can build on these feelings and attain a level of Peace that I have not been in for a very long time.
I realised yesterday that I did not have to go out and search for such things, but they have been here with me all the time. I have just had to revert back to part of my former self.
The thought of not having to fake my own being is a pleasure I hugged last night with all my might.I know that I will offend many around me with my not so usual reactions and I already have had the spiel of questions that I was expecting! Aww are you missing? Aww you alright? Aww what’s the matter babe? Man I’m bored of them, therefore a sweet smile partnered with a pair of glazed eyes is the response maintained for all these occasions.

I know that the people that I care for and who mean more to me then anything else will be pleased for me.

Packing it up...

I am having a major clear out... I normally do this every so often however today is different. These are not my things and I am not throwing anything away, just putting them away temporarily, they may come back out again or they may not.

I am doing it while my daughter is at her nana's house even though I know that her observant nature will pick up on her mama putting all her emotions away, but she is also very discrete and so I am sure will not say anything about it, well I hope that she doesn't.

I have had some consolation from a very good friend however my ray of sunshine is dancing on the beaches of Cornwall and I think I am feeling her need tremendously. I will continue with my pack up and hope that whatever happens with these possessions will be by the will of Allah and for the betterment of our future.

Loving all those who know enough to support me with kind words and I will attempt to look forward to the next few months with a positive attitude!

What if...?

what if I had said
what if I had not done so?
what if I had not felt?
what if I had never looked?
what if I had never craved?
what if I had listened?
what if I had done so?
what if I had not strayed?
what if I had belonged?
what if I had cried?
what if I had consoled?
what if I had not bled?
what if I had just listened?
what if I had made it?
what if I had not stood so firm?
what if I had not been so stubborn?
what if I had cared enough not to?
My life is currently filled with many what if's...?

Guidance

 I am looking for some guidance and am not sure where to begin.I have always defended my right to have a relationship with God in my own way, however I have come to the conclusion that no such relationship exists with myself and the great Allah. I have a faith that is based on the teaching of Islam but I do nothing to strengthen this faith and am lost as to what it really means to me. I know that I feel guilty in the eyes of Allah but why? and in time of need I am afraid that I will be unable to communicate my needs and to be honest will feel ashamed to do so.We all have this expectation that our prayers will be heard but what if they are not? what if God refuses to listen?There is so much out there and I have always turned away from the male dominated versions of the interpretations of the Quran, so maybe it is time I picked it up and held it close in order to find what I am looking for. I hate the fact that I am having to admit this.If I do not do this now, I do not think that I ever will.My reservations about Islamic teachings need to be put aside as does the knowledge I have already attained through word of mouth and I will start from the beginning, with the facts. I will read research, listen and understand what I hear and what is being read and then hopefully after some time I will be able to come to a different conclusion.I will be starting by attending the 4 day Islamic Conference to be held in Leicester UK, I do not know what to expect but I seem to want something... and if that something is a two way relationship with Allah, then I need to get going, cos none of us know when and how it will be too late.May the greatest power guide me...

The Core

Sitting in Costa in the middle of nowhere a very dear friend said something that has had me thinking about the whole concept and understanding of my beliefs. I will pursue his thoughts on this matter and encourage myself to figure out how I can abandon the weight of guilt and submit to the desire to find peace within myself.
I envy his complete commitment to have found peace in his own heart, and I will be overwhelmingly happy if I could even reach the half way mark. 
He always touches the core and for some bizarre reason my eyes rest on him with complete and utter respect. He is one of a kind.
loving you for your kind words, support and non judgmental attitude towards life.

Instincts

Where do I go from here? Do I give into my emotions or do I use my head and take control of the situation? I have always found it very hard not to follow my heart...... where I am today is because of this weakness...yes WEAKNESS, it can break me into tatters but I still follow it until I am at the point of destruction and then what do I do? I use my head and make that final decision and preserve a little energy to gather up the pieces of my broken self.....The re entry of a body that has caused me much pain in the past has emerged and I can not turn my back on it. My instincts want to take on this unfinished project and bring it to a point of completion. My craziness wants to hold and protect this being from feeling so helpless and rewind it back to the point at which we deserted ourselves many years ago...

Sad

I am not sure if it is a good idea to write on my blog with the feelings that are presently weighing me down. I am feeling extremely sad... not stressed, or panicked or angry but just sad. I want to write but I think I will just leave it at that for now. Too sad to even write....

My Gene

I have a gene, it is a ' I know that this is wrong but I shall still do it Gene'. It is a gene that has always given me a feeling of control and empowerment over my own chosen actions yet always repeatedly succeeds to cause so much anguish for other’s.

This gene does have some boundaries as it would never cause me to physically hurt anyone but I am sure that it has caused many or two excruciating emotional pain. Of course this gene does not set out targeting anyone's emotions but it always results in causing the hurt and then rides on back to me causing me to feel the guilt for causing the pain. Am I blaming the tools and it is actually the workman’s doing? probably. But nobody enjoys taking responsibility for the undeliberated ravage of anyone’s emotional breakdown? Not even me! who is somebody that seems to have wandered through life searching for errors to hold, comfort and then proceed alongside with.
I am not proud of my continuous thoughtless actions but at the time of doing I selflessly fulfil my want to please and satisfy my own curiosity and desire of that specific experience. Now don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with physical desire but only the urge to fulfil what I am feeling at that moment in time. Do I learn from my so called mistakes? Obviously not! but are they really mistakes or am I just so caught up in my own little set of societies given rules that I am no longer aware of what is right and what is wrong? Or even what I really want! I know that my actions are deemed as not so bad to some yet horrendous to others, is this me fighting with myself? Trying to show each and every individual what I want them to see? I have lost the way… I need to find myself for myself. I do not think that there has been a time in the past twenty years where I have looked in the mirror upon the reflection of my innerself and thought that “Yes I am happy and at peace with myself“.
I always seem to have this ongoing battle and although I know that I will one day achieve my greatest desire to love myself for me, today is not that day. Today is a bad day and my regrets and sorrows want to kick this gene’s ass.

The Tree

I always focus on what is directly ahead of me, that’s why I suppose I did not notice it even though it stood in very close proximity to me. I looked to my left only after he pointed it out. My preliminary reaction was "poor tree", it looked like it had been through a war, the contrast of the surrounding greenery so fresh and lush yet this poor tree stood bare and naked.

That moment…that time, I felt like the tree looked. Listening to my past from another’s perspective was confusing for me, it brought to me the realisation of how self-absorbed I was and how I overlooked some very crucial sentiments and let so much float away unnoticed.

Is there any point brooding over this now? My mind is rewinding and playing again and again the words, the laugh, the awkwardness, the wants…Mera Kuch 

Samaan tumhare paas parha hai

Sawun ke kucch bheeghey bheeghey din rakhey hain
Aur mere ik khut main lipti raat parhi hai
Wo raat bhujha doh mera woh samaan lauta doh……………..

Closure was the purpose but instead it opened up several untouched boxes containing harsh reality and emotions gone by.

What to do with these now?

I needed that closure I did not need to know how, why and when...
I savoured every word but I did not want it!

I ask myself how do I move on now after refreshing all these thought’s?

"Good night"

SO SIMPLE YET SO CRUEL;

TOO MUCH HISTORY IS ENCASED IN THESE TWO WORDS;

THEY SHOULD BE SEALED OFF IN AN ENVELOPE & ADDRESSED TO NO MANS LAND;

THEY DO NOT BELONG TO ME ANYMORE;

THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN SENT;

"OH WELL" (LONG DEEP SIGH)

APPARENTLY IT'S FOR THE BEST!