Sunday Morning

Hmmm... for the past 15 minutes I have started writing but I have deleted the whole line before reaching the fullstop. I have a headache and the television is on so it could just be that my mind is distracted by mr Big turning up to see Carries friends when she did not expect him to... or am I just tired? It is 1:15am Sunday morning and I have had a very busy day. Daughter is in bed, bella is asleep, house is spotless, so maybe it is just time for me to retire too.

gnite for today x

J I M A S

Attending Jimas was the much needed shove I needed to be motivated into the right direction. It reinforced my inner desires that were kindling away into ash ready to be blown away by the winds of despair.
The decision to attend was made for me by my misery and I know that at this moment in time it was the best decision I could have made.
It has confirmed to me that my heart is still alive and wanting more from this life then the prized possessions I absent mindly treasure. The sense of fulfilment I am seeking will come from within and no one will be able to take that away from me.
My priorities will change once again and this time I will get it right. Not only do my feet feel firmer on the ground but one by one my accumulation of grudges have fallen away from me. I feel closer to myself and my sheer mortality has come alive wanting and craving more.
I will entail to keep this light alive whilst I work towards my goal. 

New addition to the family...

I have never really liked cats...well I have nothing against felines themselves but I am not a very animal friendly kinda gal, my daughter on the other hand is an animal lover (as in only live animals, she is a vegetarian) and has managed to over ride my "no animals in the house" policy and we have landed ourselves with a small bundle of ginger fur!

Okay I suppose she is sort of cute and has an adorable little kitty of a face, but a litter tray in the kitchen and dirty cat bowls are really not my idea of fun.

To make matters worse I have a some very large male cats roaming my street so poor little Tinkerbell AKA Bella is restricted to the four walls of my house. I am going to have to re think this whole living arrangement as my house is beginning to have a catty smell and my sense of privacy seems to have been invaded as whenever my laptop is open, little Bella is sitting next to me watching every move my fingers make and is fascinated with the screen.... oh and the final whiskers on the cat is that it's claws love my 400 thread count bed linen...
Note to oneself: think of a kind and sweet way to convince offspring that I am allergic to cats and have a rash all over!

A piece of peace...

After a long time I am feeling a little piece of Peacefulness in my life.
It is just a tiny bit of Peace but I can feel the difference in my life already. I have more control over my feelings and they are not running away from me filled with anger and frustrations.
Every small day to day action has become a lot easier and I am enjoying the "ME" time. I am hoping that I can build on these feelings and attain a level of Peace that I have not been in for a very long time.
I realised yesterday that I did not have to go out and search for such things, but they have been here with me all the time. I have just had to revert back to part of my former self.
The thought of not having to fake my own being is a pleasure I hugged last night with all my might.I know that I will offend many around me with my not so usual reactions and I already have had the spiel of questions that I was expecting! Aww are you missing? Aww you alright? Aww what’s the matter babe? Man I’m bored of them, therefore a sweet smile partnered with a pair of glazed eyes is the response maintained for all these occasions.

I know that the people that I care for and who mean more to me then anything else will be pleased for me.

Packing it up...

I am having a major clear out... I normally do this every so often however today is different. These are not my things and I am not throwing anything away, just putting them away temporarily, they may come back out again or they may not.

I am doing it while my daughter is at her nana's house even though I know that her observant nature will pick up on her mama putting all her emotions away, but she is also very discrete and so I am sure will not say anything about it, well I hope that she doesn't.

I have had some consolation from a very good friend however my ray of sunshine is dancing on the beaches of Cornwall and I think I am feeling her need tremendously. I will continue with my pack up and hope that whatever happens with these possessions will be by the will of Allah and for the betterment of our future.

Loving all those who know enough to support me with kind words and I will attempt to look forward to the next few months with a positive attitude!

What if...?

what if I had said
what if I had not done so?
what if I had not felt?
what if I had never looked?
what if I had never craved?
what if I had listened?
what if I had done so?
what if I had not strayed?
what if I had belonged?
what if I had cried?
what if I had consoled?
what if I had not bled?
what if I had just listened?
what if I had made it?
what if I had not stood so firm?
what if I had not been so stubborn?
what if I had cared enough not to?
My life is currently filled with many what if's...?

Guidance

 I am looking for some guidance and am not sure where to begin.I have always defended my right to have a relationship with God in my own way, however I have come to the conclusion that no such relationship exists with myself and the great Allah. I have a faith that is based on the teaching of Islam but I do nothing to strengthen this faith and am lost as to what it really means to me. I know that I feel guilty in the eyes of Allah but why? and in time of need I am afraid that I will be unable to communicate my needs and to be honest will feel ashamed to do so.We all have this expectation that our prayers will be heard but what if they are not? what if God refuses to listen?There is so much out there and I have always turned away from the male dominated versions of the interpretations of the Quran, so maybe it is time I picked it up and held it close in order to find what I am looking for. I hate the fact that I am having to admit this.If I do not do this now, I do not think that I ever will.My reservations about Islamic teachings need to be put aside as does the knowledge I have already attained through word of mouth and I will start from the beginning, with the facts. I will read research, listen and understand what I hear and what is being read and then hopefully after some time I will be able to come to a different conclusion.I will be starting by attending the 4 day Islamic Conference to be held in Leicester UK, I do not know what to expect but I seem to want something... and if that something is a two way relationship with Allah, then I need to get going, cos none of us know when and how it will be too late.May the greatest power guide me...

The Core

Sitting in Costa in the middle of nowhere a very dear friend said something that has had me thinking about the whole concept and understanding of my beliefs. I will pursue his thoughts on this matter and encourage myself to figure out how I can abandon the weight of guilt and submit to the desire to find peace within myself.
I envy his complete commitment to have found peace in his own heart, and I will be overwhelmingly happy if I could even reach the half way mark. 
He always touches the core and for some bizarre reason my eyes rest on him with complete and utter respect. He is one of a kind.
loving you for your kind words, support and non judgmental attitude towards life.

Instincts

Where do I go from here? Do I give into my emotions or do I use my head and take control of the situation? I have always found it very hard not to follow my heart...... where I am today is because of this weakness...yes WEAKNESS, it can break me into tatters but I still follow it until I am at the point of destruction and then what do I do? I use my head and make that final decision and preserve a little energy to gather up the pieces of my broken self.....The re entry of a body that has caused me much pain in the past has emerged and I can not turn my back on it. My instincts want to take on this unfinished project and bring it to a point of completion. My craziness wants to hold and protect this being from feeling so helpless and rewind it back to the point at which we deserted ourselves many years ago...