DKNY

At last..........hey ho....... yee ha........found it. the black bag!!! okay so it's not all leather and it does not have straps long enough to sit comfortably on my shoulders ........ only one compartment.... but it did steal my heart at first sight.....well actually not first sight but fifth trip round the large designer store.

The price.....well we wont go into that, however I did get 10% discount for using my store card and as the sales assistant was a peroxide blond (no offence to any Blondie's reading my blog) she mistakenly took off 10% off twice giving me even a bigger discount!!! which of course I did not notice till I checked the receipt at home!!!!

It is a designer brand, at this point I would like you to know that I am not a designer fanatic but it does feel nice sitting on my lap displayed to the world...... and it is of course exceptional quality. I do find myself justifying my purchase which I do not really have to do, however if I get bored of it I can always sell it on EBay!!! ......... but I wont cos it made the trip to London with me and it did not bother me once, in fact it is a great addition to my already large collection of handbags no one has ever said that we are only allowed a few........... I guess it is similar to how men count the notches on their bed post, us gals like to count the bags in our closet................there can never be too many and the different experiences of each bag just makes us better at what we do!!!!!!The moral of the story is;

"if you look hard enough you will find it and once you have it just enjoy it"

Where is my ******* ?.........

Two gal pals travelled to London...what a wonderful time they had... they walked and talked and laughed and joked, they ate and ate and ate and ate...(well it was the weekend and the diet will definitely be starting on Monday)
My two day escapade started with stepping off the train, then the question was asked "where's my *******?". Rummaging around in the very expensive DKNY handbag, it was produced and the withdrawal symptoms accrued during the train ride were waved goodbye. The day continued with a trip to Harley Street ("where's my *******?") and a meal in a Lebanese Restaurant ("where's my *******?")followed by some mint tea, a strawberry flavoured Shisha ("where's my *******?") and stares from passers by. No care in the world and only the stretch of Edgeware road ahead of us, ("where's my *******?")

From a couple we turned into a trio and the company was a warm welcome. Baskin Robbin's (31) increased their sales with our double scoop visit and the walk back to Oxford Circus tube station ("where's my *******?") transformed three persons into Angelina Jolie, Kung fu Panda and the Incredible Hulk ( don't ask...)

The descent upon Leicester Square felt very rebellious.... surrounded by the moody lighting, the decor and the application of some quick lippy in the ladies.....(hmmmm lol .....felt like a nun on pleasure Island...)anyway the night eventually came to an end in a Holiday Inn double bed where two gal pals fought over the temperature... I think it may have reflected how we are in life.....basically I was constantly way too hot and she constantly too cold ; )

to be continued......................

The magician

I know of a magician who's magic has never worked with me. He is annoyingly in my life on a daily basis and I think that he is here to stay. I would like to say that we have a very unique friendship and on this basis I requested him to say a few words on the greatness of our platonic and very sincere relationship. He hurriedly sent me a few words, of course I will leave you to judge how accurate he is, however I do not agree with any of it, even though he did make me smile with his sick sense of humour!

Profile : Aynah
Likes : Card Making, Coffee, Ebaying, puffing
Dislikes : Exercise, Sport

Aynah is a cross between Carrie from Sex in the city and Ghandi, in which I mean she is a hip girl who loves coffee shops and bags but has deep religious views. I hope you werent thinking that she is a bit of a slut with a bald head. She certainly doesn't have a bald head…...

I ask myself:

Could she become a female escort.
This is a tricky one, Aynah would undoubtedly hand make an invitation to the client and make sure the house was spotless, but when it came to any action, would puff before, after and during

What would she do if she had a winning lottery ticket?She would spend a week looking through her filofax/purse for it, then give it all away.

Is she a good friend?
Well yes, exceptional and even if she wasn't, she is a good person to know as may get a heads up if the extremists want to bomb my house.

Does she have any secrets?
Yes lots and lots.

Would she make a good secret agent?
She would love the bit when it comes to sitting in coffee shops, other than that, rubbish.

Is her blog a waste of time?Most certainly not, I will tune in regularly

Bricks

You can try to forget what has happened and look forward to what can happen?

but do you actually forget? how do you rise from the desire to deny all that you have experienced and start anew? the past is what has made you today. The experiences are the bricks that have built you, every action is based on past actions...how do you let go of yourself to be yourself?

Others advice does not apply as they are built from different bricks... their make up will differ, hence the advice they offer may not be suitable. In the end you have to decide what is best for you yourself. You can not always choose your options but you can always make the decision as to which option to choose and I strongly believe that any choices we make are ours alone and no one else is responsible for them. We may say that we were forced to choose a certain path, however subconsciously maybe we actually wanted to choose it but did not want to admit to it...

Having to justify my actions to others..... what I do is what I want to do and if anyone else has a problem with it then that is their problem, not mine!!!!! we are all accountable in one way or another for our own actions only and it is time that we all took responsibility for them.

Loving all the people who have ever guided me but allowed me to walk it my way, and if I have swayed from side to side or even fallen over, they have allowed me to get right back up brush myself down and keep on walking....not looking back..... but only forwards with my new experience of the fall and learning from it.

Tired

Sometimes life can get so tiresome. I'm having to look past and beyond my choices before I make them. I do not have the time anymore to play and some serious thinking needs to take place between my ears before I proceed any further. Wishing that it could be easier. I feel so old!

Darkness - Darren Hayes

They say I am the kindest

But it is easier to

Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began

All I know I was covered in darkness
Turning pages over

Run away to nowhere

And it's hard to take control

When your
enemy's old and afraid of you

You'll discover that the monster you were running from

Is the monster in you Better to hold on to love

Change will come

It doesn't
really matter where it all began

All I know I was covered in darkness

It doesn't
really matter where it all began

Cuz all I know I was lost

No, no It doesn't
really matter where it all began no no

All I know I was lost

I feel lost Lost
No...

Darren Hayes

HaNdBaGs.....

It's a tough life........

How difficult can it be to buy a black leather handbag? well according to my attempts this week, it is incredibly difficult.

I have been out many times this week, walking around the displays with bags set out to appeal to the female bag loving mind, spent over an hour each day browsing big bags, small bags, huge bags, and tiny bags and nothing! The displays did not look quite so great after I had touched, unzipped, checked lining, felt pockets and tried it on, but then I did have a time restriction of only an hour's lunch break and that does not include time for tidying up!

Im absolutely sure that it can't really be my fault that I can't find the ideal leather bag to fit my large organiser yet small enough for my phones not to get lost, with appropiate sized handles and metal accessories that are not too shiny. Not that I'm very fussy or anything but it is hard being a woman of taste! maybe if I increase my price range and decrease my criteria I will have better luck! then again I could just use one of the many that are sitting so very neatly in order of size on the top shelf of my wardrobe!!

Beautiful Fear

what a beautiful sight,.......one day I will stand at a point of such beauty with a love so dear, is that love anywhere near me today? My desire to say "Yes " and feel the warmth and pleasure of the sincere thoughts and feelings of this love is so great..............I thought I had it once but I let it slip away too easily, was that true love? if it was then how could I let it go so easily...... my legs buckled and I gave in to the fall and let gravity win. ...... or is that just an excuse?

Gossip......

"If I have to form an opinion on the basis of gossip, you'd stand out as one of the ugliest but if I have to put forward what my own senses have observed, you have been the one sane and righteous even while dwelling among the most ailing. Now if I have to go for one of these two, I'd most certainly choose the latter for my senses have seldom but the gossip has almost always betrayed me"

J.

I asked J to say a few words for me to put here, I was expecting compliments and great gestures of affection, however he knows that I will be reading between the lines and will acknowledge his understanding of me and he summarised it pretty well.

J.

J will always hold a special place in my heart

J is one of the sweetest persons I have known

J is intellegent, intiutive and very objective

J is clever, observant and handsome.

J is a body I met in 1994...... On the very first meeting he made me laugh and I adored the way his humour carried an edge of sarcasm, he was so young then, yet had such an understanding of life that I felt that he was very brave to have such opinions that I would never have dared aired.

Over the years (14 years) I have seen him grow and develop into the J that he is now. He has had to turn many ways to get where he is now, and I hope that he is happy and has reached his place of peace.

for J & S good luck with all my love hm x

I asked J to share his thoughts with me:

Revert to “ A ..

The love J. pleads
No heart keeps
The knowledge J. needs
No science reveals
The fear J. feels
No religion heals
The answers J. seeks
No philosopher speaks
The satisfaction J. reads
No world feeds
The riddle J. leads
No Darwin reached
What J. sowed; all wrong seeds
What J. reaps; all wasteful heaps

O’ poor J!
Revert your heart to “A..” -
The seed of love, knowledge and satisfaction
Relax into the aroma of the infinite affection…

J.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goodbye

There’s nothing left to say
What was beautiful has already passed away
Still a noise doesn’t let me sleep
And once again I have to weep
Memories of you
Drag me back into the world untrue

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Gone are those solacing embraces
Leaving behind few gloomy faces
We ran only a little to fill those spaces
You must’ve reached back
Loosening your laces?
Where am I?
(…Ah!) Still out there where you left to die
Now will take ages
To seek & stroll back my traces
A home once burnt
All around are its ashes
Like dark snow
They cover all places

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

How’s the little sis?
Does she love me still?
She was found but only to be lost ‘gain
Winds did bring those clouds
But this rain of pain
The rain of pain!

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Big towns - bigger clowns
Strong lights - stronger nights
No, here love holds no worth
So collect all this material on earth
…One day you’ll regret
But nothing you’ll get
Oh no, nothing you’ll get!

Yes, you’re overgrown and I’m only a child
But isn’t it why I’m not that wild?

Silver moon on the red sky
My sun is low; someone else’s high

Goodbye my dear Uncle & Aunt
My prayers may but voice will never haunt
Wishes gone, promises torn
Offended! Dejected! Wrongly projected!
Your Jiss’s already gone
Never will reborn!
Never can reform!

J.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juny Hasn’t Learnt!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play

I disgraced myself many a time for you
And you know still I do...
Wonder why I don’t change
Bullets fly and I always fall right in their range
Still you think what I want is the Girl
O’ my Dear, girl’s not the only pearl left in this world
See in my eyes, on my face, deep into my scars
They may explain to you why I fought all these wars
If you still can’t see
Listen to me:
Only to discover a new home – love, family and sincerity
But pierced my heart, the sword of friend; not enemy

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play

You know this pain I always give
So leave my heart; live and let live
Oh hey: Bury me alive or drown me into the ocean
I may find a place of peace for my heart – broken!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: You still haven’t learnt how to play
I could be a liar, could pretend like a hero
And you could only know my side one, not zero
I’m happy I didn’t deceive you in any way
It satisfies that I’ve lost you in a fair-play!

The wounds may heal but the scars would stay
O’ Juny: Dear Juny: When’d you learn how to play?
Life is a tactful game
And I’m a tactless shame!

J.

mar bhi jaoon......

This is one of my all time heart wrenching most loved songs from my good old college days. It used to bring tears sprouting out like they were being held captive and were now free.....oh come on I tell myself at 17 years old "what the hell was I crying about?" I probably did not even know what half the words meant!!!!

mar bhi jaoon tau mat rona
beeti hoee batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko

yaad karna yaad karna aur jee lena

tum meray naam ko kabhi apney naam se bicharney na dena

meray qadmoon ki chaap ghar ke darwazay se nikalney na dena

mujhe marne na dena

apni palkain tum na bhigona mat rona beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karna

yaad karna aur jee lena

main apni awaaz aur apney saaray geet tumhain day jaoon ga meri

sab cheezon ko yoonhe rehnay dena jaise shaam hote he main laut ke aaon ga

mujhe kho kar bhi kabhi na khona

mat rona beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karna yaad karna aur jee lena

mar bhi jaoon tau mat rona

beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karnaaa.

jee lena mat rona

Junaid Jamshed

Decisions

I have always thought that I dealt with things head on and in a practical and robust way...however it has come to my attention that maybe in comparison to the usual people around me I have always done this very seemingly effectively. However as soon as I look at myself from a wider perspective I feel that my decisions en route and the mental state of my solitary hours are very much not what I want and not what I am or stand for. I need to take some time out and reevaluate my inner self,my hopes, my dreams and my temptations!!!

Feeling bored? Feeling low?

He questioned my intentions

"so whats wrong, feeling bored again? or just feeling low? or both?"

How could I reply that without him feeling low is not something that comes round occasionally, it has become a permanent fixture and the release of random messages is like a small dose of him from time to time. He is not to blame, if anything I should praise him on his patience and skill in handling such events that in normal circumstances would mean -

The End.

Inevitable has always been the key word in our situation even though never also seems to play a big part. I accept my lack of everything and can only continue feeling low at the thought, even though my heart takes several leaps into the air every single time.

It was supposed to dissolve into nothing...instead it is ever increasing.

He looked past me
and then at me
my heart was screaming
please don't leave
please don't go
he walked past me
and then at me
I awoke...
hanya

Diaries......

I found some old diaries buried under old blankets in my parents garage. Treasured memories came to surface and I was faced with thoughts and memoirs of days past. It was an insight into my own mind of forgotten memories and some of very vivid ones. It was an enlightening experience to snuggle up on the sofa with my favourite Turkish apple tea and read through pages and pages of words of poetry, experiences and soul searching from the good old days. I discovered that I had let go of a very precious way of passing my time and noting down the memorable events in my life. I called my ray of sunshine and we had a good giggle whilst I recited extracts and secrets from my past long gone. I have decided that I will from time to time throw in some of my past memoirs/poems into my blog and so here is the first one:

"It's funny how fast time flies, one day you are doing something and in a short span of your time the whole world around you changes & then you change to suit the world, it's incredible how life just goes by. I envy the people that are enjoying their life. I wish I could too. Maybe tomorrow will be the beginning for me & things will go my way.

When life seems at it's worse the best is yet to come" - we'll see "Hanya 1994

Sometimes words are never needed, the pictured portrayed is sufficient and summarises everything that I want to say today

My reflection...

I have just spent 4 hours with what I think was Aynah's reflection...

It was a weird and wonderful experience and the amount of sharing was major vvc (vast, varied and considerable). That strong feeling of de ja vu is one of familiarity yet it is not possible for it to be an exact retake of any episode in your life, however this sense of familiarity was so strong that I am adamant that somewhere our paths must have crossed and somehow we have reflected ourselves in one and other and the result was my all nighter with a new love that has sneaked right under my nose and landed in my lap. 

It is not everyday that you can say "hey, just made a friend for life and I think I love her" maybe I see so much of myself in her that I'm basically loving myself, who knows? we'll see......

My Baby Girl

Love comes to us in strange and wonderful ways.

The love I feel for my baby, my flesh, my eyes, my smile...she has them all. Thirty-six hours of excruciating pain followed by so far twelve years of extreme love and affection. My daughter is the hugest love of my life. She completed my strongest desire of loving, giving and making each day count. What nothing and no one could do, she has fulfilled. Her shining eyes and screwed up pug nose made me fall in love with her at first sight. I am blessed with her presence and proud of her smallest achievement. She makes me laugh and I know that without her my life would amount to nothing. A crazy possessive mother, I am definitely one of those. Letting go is not in my make-up and being less crazy for her would be painful.

Ray of Sunshine

Through every dark cloud and every thunder storm I have had a "Ray of sunshine" in my life. It has brought me the strength that I never knew I had, the emotions that I thought I would never feel, the closeness that I had never felt, the friendship that I never knew existed and the love that I had never experienced................

Blue eyed memories...

After 25 years I have come across my first tantalising thoughts felt as a little girl at the great age of 10. I was so proud of my accomplishment! I was in love with a blue eyed boy. Now considering that I was a scrawny twig of a thing with hair that my mother used to keep in shape with her sewing scissors, it was quite an accomplishment! Thanks to Facebook, we meet again and this time we are not walking to school, me trying to walk gracefully in my hand me down too big cousin's Shoes - not such a great start but hey my plan was running through my innocent little head - I was going to offer him some money to kiss me!!! yep you heard right, my first experience of "nothing in life is free". It didn't actually happen, well I did get the kiss but I didn't have to pay for it...I did something a lot worse but we'll leave that discussion to another day...