The Wire

A French Man's dream to walk across the void from one sister to another had me engrossed for 2 hours. The mind-set of a human being who has the strength to fulfil a dream, this man should become the role model of souls today - We seem to have lost the ability to dream and from that, the ability to follow our dreams - Live life your way - Do not break the laws laid out by God but instead make them work to your advantage. I  have spent my life walking on ‘The Wire’ - The fear of falling being greater than the fear of the fall itself- I stayed on, swaying from side to side and only now have reached the other side. I crossed the void, it took me over 21 years, I have reached the other side and fallen into the arms of my future, my dream has come true. 
~Hanya~

Trust HIS Plan

She broke down and wept

she supplicated for help
she asked why
the tears dried
her love was redeemed
she acquired her answers
what a plan
she whispered
what a great enigmatic plan
she never saw it approaching
it collided with her hard
but it restored her
she is so grateful

for the love

she has been graced with
the storm is over

the sun is shining

her love is safe
safe with him

following him

she will grow

~Hanya~

Cavern of Love

enclosed in a cavern of love

we reach one hundred

we did not start at one but at three

we reached a peak at four

we knew where we were going at five

and at six we became one

at seven you told me how

at eight I felt when

nine is always divisible by three so back to where we started

and ten well what can I say - it is one zero away from one hundred

so we reached one hundred just as easily as we reached ten

~Hanya~

Flutter

I flutter at the thought,

like a butterfly my wings spread and I feel a beauty from within

like a flower I bloom at the sound of love

the breeze on my face

the tingling in my toes

bring on the bells

ring them at will

I will dance to the sound

of a love so rare 

~Hanya~

Beauty

The unruly turf beneath my hair
the grass tickling my neck
the heat on my face 
the copper sulphate blue glaring at me with no crack in sight
why have I neglected myself from the beauties of this world?
the sky
the land
the trees
the grass
preoccupied in a bubble of stress

I allowed myself to forget how Allah has blessed us with this world 

He made beautiful for us this stage upon we all dance to the music of life

swaying left and right oblivious to what we see;

through the gift of sight
through the gift of touch
through the gift of taste
through the gift of sound
through the gift of smell

It took love for me to recognise this beauty and with this love I shall share this beauty.

~Hanya~ 

Mornings

Morning breaks with the sound of the calling

The voice breaks the silence

The sounds of the morning

A stretch here and a twist there

eyes remain closed while treasuring the love

adjusting to the light as the shadows are lifted

craving the touch of what's in offering

no reason to move

no reason to shift

this is it now

this is all I need now

Time is in a hurry 

the clock is ticking

the thought of 'bye'

eats at my being

I could stay this way

forever more

Stay with me forever more

This is it. This is all..........

~Hanya~ 

Love Letters

Wikipedia states - A love letter is a romantic way to express feelings of love in written form. Whether delivered by hand, mail, carrier pigeon, or romantically left in a secret location, the letter may be of anything from a short and simple message of love to a lengthy explanation of feelings. Love letters may 'move through the widest range of emotions, devotion, disappointment, grief and indignation, self-confidence, ambition, impatience, self-reproach and resignation

I once received a love letter when I was 7 years old– it was secretly passed down the row and I unfolded it to find a declaration of love from a boy who I had never noticed – I gave the note to my teacher who in turn reprimanded the little boy for inappropriate behaviour in a classroom – My brother of the age of 10 was then informed of this young boys desire to love his sister and was chased down the road and threatened to be beaten up – young love – the desire to express it – the desire to protect from the one true emotion that should be mandatory for our lives to revolve around.

34 years later consumed by love  I sit here pondering my first love letter – scrawled in a 7 year old's scribbles – how I wish I had returned his gesture and reciprocated his innocence and had promised to love this boy who was brave enough to express – I am still not that brave.

I have lived within a wall and withheld all the letters of love inside with me – I have searched for a purpose but it was not found – I have searched the heights and depths of my own heart but unwillingly resigned to a lie that Love Letters do not exist. Oh to believe such a lie and to not seek out the truth

It has taken me years to stumble across the truth after a lifetime of fumbling in the dark - to see the truth, to feel the truth and to be inundated with letters of love – I will not reject them this time I will not tell the teacher and I will not let the sender be chased down the road – the  love letter will be reciprocated – the love will be returned and the desire to express will be enclosed until each side drops to reveal a love so previous that it will shine through the night.

God Willing

~Hanya~

Flowers

He sent me flowers

A list of words 

Tell the tale of 'flowers'

~Hanya~

Amidst the chaos

amidst the chaos I found him

pulled up from the darkness

drawn to the light like a flower to the sun he warmed me

he consoled me

he fed me the truth and promised me my heart's desire

He is my angel

my knight

my friend

much love for this being who is saving me in more ways than one

will love and keep him always
~Hanya~ 

A stranger in the Darkness

I came across his words

I came across the images

I came across hurt

I came across dispirited

He gave me hope

He gave me sight

He gave me words

He gave me his word

I wanted to believe him

I wanted to hear him

I wanted to question him

I wanted to know him

A stranger from the darkness rose and held me

He cradled my fears and held me close

He made me believe in him

He made me believe in me

~Hanya~

Betrayed

betrayed by those that lay claim to love
betrayed by the very same blood that runs within me

betrayed by him

betrayed by her

betrayed by them

Hanya x 

HE took it all away - my hopes - my dreams - my sleep - unknown to me HE stole it all - HE left me stranded on a hill with nowhere to go - he took it all away - unknown to him he stole it all - HE threw me away -  with nowhere to turn - HE stole from me - HE left me. 

Hanya

Falling

I fell to the ground
He let me fall
he caused the fall

He blamed me for the fall

I walked in a daze
He let me walk in a daze
He caused the daze

He blamed me for the daze

He spoke to me
He let me speak
He said the words

He blamed me for his words

I am lost
He sold me
He lost me

He blamed me for the loss

Crushed beneath my own weight of thoughts
Drenched with tears
Trembling with fears

I fell

~Hanya~

DAY ONE - The Forty-one Rules of Love

The Forty Rules of Love engulfed my being for the last few days - speedily reading this book....now.... at this point in my life has renewed my energies and motivation to seek, feel and love. To find myself within the realms of the swirling layers or to sit at peace knowing that my layers will always swirl around those that I love and cherish.

True companions acknowledged 

The meaning of Love extinguished in order to be reborn in a new light 

I titled this piece FORTY ONE RULES OF LOVE as to me the first compulsory rule is to read this BOOK! 

To Be Continued...........

The .......ing game

Wanting

Waiting

Smiling

Having

Feeling

then

Resenting

Disliking

Realising

Hating

then

Leaving

~Hanya~

A strand of the past

How is it possible for you to own such feelings you lay claim to have for me

yet you lead your life without me

To reminisce with small fragments of the past in your fingers

yet not claim the right to touch my being with your hands

To speak of the precious times gone by

but to not touch my soul with your voice

How is it possible?

Hanya

Dust off the books

From time to time I will start reading a book hoping that I will be unable to put it down currently I am reading Wild Swans authored by Jung Chang and am taken back in time to China in a mesmerising story of survival. 

I need to pick up novels more often and make time to escape more frequent

Hanya

Gaza

July 2014 will always be the month of Gaza for me - although the Palestinians have been subjected to this pain since 1948 - my acute awareness of their crisis hit hard this year, it changed my perception of the world, its so called leaders and the realisation that human beings can behave in such a disgusting, vile and inhumane way towards fellow brothers, sisters and children. 

Contradictory to the thoughts of many this was not a religious,ethnic or cultural battle but one of humanity.

Love and compassion is what drove me - the unjust treatment of innocent children, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. 

My heart tore at the images of these people, these beautiful people being torn apart.

#freegaza

#freepalestine

#savegaza

Hanya x 

The Orange Moon

cannot sleep
looked out the window and cannot believe how orange the moon is
it is burning
burning like my heart for the children of Gaza
not the best photo but it reassured me that there is a greater power out there
greater than Israel's missiles
greater than Obama's betrayal in his speech
the power of God will supersede these nations and their agendas

Hanya 

Their heart beats on.........

The People of Gaza teach us what pain and courage really is 

we should be ashamed

the world should be ashamed

Gaza we let you down

My heart is sad

Hanya x 

My Heart bled - and then broke for Shaima

My heart bled for Shaima - this beautiful baby born from her dead mother - a miracle in itself.
My heart broke a few days later as beautiful Shaima left this world - just 4 days on this earth.
This angel taken away to be reunited with her mother. May Allah bless this child and her mother. Ameen

Hanya

Ayanah - The Protester

Protesting against the illegal occupation of the Nation of P.A.L.E.S.T.I.N.E  - at the age of five years old, Ayanah accepted that we were standing in the heat and protesting so that all her friends who live in Palestine can have a home like hers, teaching our children to empathise with others is crucial.

Hanya x 

F R E E G A Z A

Enough

Saturated to the point of exhaustion....mind numbing visuals.....heart stopping footage.....praying for the atrocities to STOP. need to sleep. Struggling.

#freegaza
#freepalestine
#stopkillingthechildrenofgaza
#juststop

Home - where I place my head

A place called home

my home

I never wanted a mansion

just a place called home

my home

I never wanted grand furniture

just a comfy chair

my chair

I never wanted expensive furnishings

just a comfy bed

my bed

I never wanted glamour

just a sense of style

my style

I never wanted a show home

just a choice

my choice

I am blessed with what I wanted

I am grateful for what I have

my home

Home Sweet Home

Hanya
x

The walk

its your road, and yours alone

others may walk it with you

but no one else can walk it for you

~ Rumi ~

2014

Resolutions made to be undone? 
Vows made to be broken?
Promises spoken to be crushed? 
Love made to be lost? 
Hearts made to bleed?
If this is all my doing?
Then be gone my love 
I can hold me close 
I can love me more
I can save me 
but 
YOU
I can not save
I can not love
I can not hold 
selfish? 
heartless? 
brutal? 
seal your lips 
let the answers remain untold 
H x

my children my world and me

 

14 May 1974

14th May 1974 
I was blessed with a mother and father who are uncomparable 
true 
love 
does 
exist
 but only in the unconditional love a parent has for their child

Hanya x 

crazy living - today

Living in reality

your heart is dreaming

your head is spinning 

you feel like pausing for one second

just a second to reflect on your life

its purpose

its goals

its past

what to do when your heart stops

and your own self made reality hits you hard

an oncoming bus with no brakes

you have no where to run but to face it full on

Hanya

Potato Salad

So there I am preparing dinner with the menu of Quiche, steamed vegetables and Potato Salad - hit a raw nerve - not the whole menu just part of it - I stop to think - regain my train of thought and ponder on whether to use red onion or spring onion and then resume chopping and adding. I am aware that I will have these moments but then they will pass and I will recollect my thoughts and continue on making dinner!

Hanya

Impossible - Love this too much

Warren House

Sitting on the corner of a main road, vacant, Warren House was calling out to me. I was not looking to buy so the For Sale board jutting out of the ground was teasing me gently. The vintage-ness seemed to be running through each and every angle of this house and my heartstrings were being tugged silently by the wooden framed doorway.

Driving by one day my eye caught the To Let board which made things possible and I left my own house to reside in this quaint and very old build. I am afraid to say that in my readiness to adopt this old and dilapidated property (which possesses a damp cellar) I lost sight sight of all practicalities and followed my heart. I am now residing in Warren House - this large cold house that is crying out for some tender loving care has become my dwelling.

My love for this house has not been lost but I am certainly not in love with it as much as I thought I would be. I am still totally in awe of it and have dreams to cherish and hold on to it it but my purse strings do not feel the same, they are so stretched that this old cold and beautiful house would bankrupt me further if I chose to make it my own for life. Sometimes you have to just let go - it is hard and I still don't want to - I feel let down by my love for Warren House - I feel that Warren House has betrayed me - sombre and silently - it has not met my expectations.

Stawberry Picking x

ice

the voice of cold

the shiver of delight

brings forth the frost

and an icy quiet

go find one else to chill

for the heat hither

will melt you

will scald you

will burn you

cold you may be

frosty you may seem

but fire will always burn

the coldest of things

I will always win

always

hanya

Impossible - Love this

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love

I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
Broken trust and broken hearts

I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear

I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken

All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love

I did

MDM -Spaniard

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next

The days are passing; it's been so long, me amor.

I miss your long embrace and warm kisses--I need more.

My heart longs for your closeness and your treasured glances

saying more than words could express during moonlit dances.

During the long days, we play in the fields, he has your eyes.

He's full of energy--asking for Papa stories--running with ponies.

Remember--he thinks he is one of them, running wild and free.

He treasures the tiny clay pony you gave him when you left--left me.

I pray morning and night for your safe return, me amor.

Closing my eyes, caressing my little clay figure; I close my door.

My tears flood the night, Dreams of you end all to soon. I'm alone.

Me amor, is there time in a soldier's day for thoughts of home?

A general of Rome, commander of battles, living with death,

I can't imagine my tender, loving dearest forcing one's last breath!

A warrior you are, loyal subject of the Emperor, Defender of Rome,

I miss you dearest Maximus.............................please come home.

Someday you WILL return to me, the gods have determined our fate.

I'll wait for you in the golden fields beyond the old wooden gate.

The sun will shine eternally, our son will laugh, the ponies wildly run.

We will be together through eternity in the golden fields of Elysium.

(By Rayda Santrach)

Christmas has come

oh what fun

presents to give out

presents to come

lighted candles on the tree

oh what fun

oh what glee!

I can recall this poem like it was yesterday and no matter how much crucial information leaves my brain, this poem has stayed. I recall writing it for an english class at junior school. Poetry was not one of my strong points but obviously christmas played a big part in my childhood and had an impact on my ability to put words together. It may seem like a simple childlike rhyme to some but I can still feel the excitement and longing for a tree with candles dressed with gifts bursting to be stripped x

My ignorance has long died and the pagan worship of wood with the commercialised drama of Christmas has been observed however the warmth of the hearth and twinkling lights I am sure can melt anyones heart, cos it does mine every year x  

H x

4 in the morning - Love it

Waking up to find another day

The moon got lost again last night

But now the sun has finally had its say

I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in

It's all over me

i`m lying here in the dark

watching you sleep, it hurts a lot

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

All I wanted was to know i`m safe

Don't wanna lose the love I`ve found

Remember when you said that you would change

Don't let me down

It's not fair, how you are

I can't be complete, can you give me more

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

Oh please, you know what I need

Save all your love for me

We can't escape the love

Give me everything that you have

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

Britishstani

The Queens 60th Jubilee celebrations and the Olympics 2012 in London brought with it a frenzy of red, white & blue, not my favourite combination of colours, however I have never felt more British and more sentimental about my home country then I do now in 2012.

I have a very minor interest in Sport but the olympics was more than just a sporting event - the opening ceremony was incredible to watch and the closing ceremony just as fantastic. The ceremonies entertained the world internationally but I truly felt that the essence of the countdown and the journey from the source of the river thames. From the hedges in the countryside to the birds eye view of the river thames (that clearly only means eastenders to us digestive dunkers)
I feel England
I feel British
I feel the passion
I feel good but hey whats this? I look Pakistani   
Being born in the heart of the east end of London - why would this look be a problem? I have played knock down ginger and kiss chase in the playground. I have had high teas in Harrods and sadly mourned the much loved Lady Diana. I have loved Simon Le-bon and danced to Wham. I have woken up to the milk mans cart and played out till dusk. I have walked to school alone and managed to not speak to any strangers. I have played on the space hopper and chalked a hopskotch on the pavement - and if this is not enough I can compile an even longer list, but who am I trying to convince? anyone? noone? - or myself? 
These thoughts came about I guess on 14th August (yesterday) when the messages and facebook status's were screaming Happy independance day for Pakistan, sadly I did not feel the passion or the desire to place a flag on my wall. I will be shunned by some for admitting this but my affliation for Pakistan stops at my parents. I lived in Pakistan for six years but it never felt like home - I looked the part but I did not feel it.
I did try though
oh how I tried - I tried hard but it only led to confuse me further and I had to come back to the truth to what I am.
Pakistani?
British?
pakistani british?
britishstani - b r i t i s h s t a n i - yes thats the word - that describes me best x

Hanya

Riverside Festival

A three day stall  in August 2012 to show off my creativity and also make some money - I did less of the latter but enjoyed every minute of the festival and was proud of my daughters commitment to selling my goods with such passion.
enjoy the pics
Hanya