mar bhi jaoon......

This is one of my all time heart wrenching most loved songs from my good old college days. It used to bring tears sprouting out like they were being held captive and were now free.....oh come on I tell myself at 17 years old "what the hell was I crying about?" I probably did not even know what half the words meant!!!!

mar bhi jaoon tau mat rona
beeti hoee batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko

yaad karna yaad karna aur jee lena

tum meray naam ko kabhi apney naam se bicharney na dena

meray qadmoon ki chaap ghar ke darwazay se nikalney na dena

mujhe marne na dena

apni palkain tum na bhigona mat rona beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karna

yaad karna aur jee lena

main apni awaaz aur apney saaray geet tumhain day jaoon ga meri

sab cheezon ko yoonhe rehnay dena jaise shaam hote he main laut ke aaon ga

mujhe kho kar bhi kabhi na khona

mat rona beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karna yaad karna aur jee lena

mar bhi jaoon tau mat rona

beeti hoe batoon ko jagi hoe ratoon ko yaad karnaaa.

jee lena mat rona

Junaid Jamshed

Decisions

I have always thought that I dealt with things head on and in a practical and robust way...however it has come to my attention that maybe in comparison to the usual people around me I have always done this very seemingly effectively. However as soon as I look at myself from a wider perspective I feel that my decisions en route and the mental state of my solitary hours are very much not what I want and not what I am or stand for. I need to take some time out and reevaluate my inner self,my hopes, my dreams and my temptations!!!

Feeling bored? Feeling low?

He questioned my intentions

"so whats wrong, feeling bored again? or just feeling low? or both?"

How could I reply that without him feeling low is not something that comes round occasionally, it has become a permanent fixture and the release of random messages is like a small dose of him from time to time. He is not to blame, if anything I should praise him on his patience and skill in handling such events that in normal circumstances would mean -

The End.

Inevitable has always been the key word in our situation even though never also seems to play a big part. I accept my lack of everything and can only continue feeling low at the thought, even though my heart takes several leaps into the air every single time.

It was supposed to dissolve into nothing...instead it is ever increasing.

He looked past me
and then at me
my heart was screaming
please don't leave
please don't go
he walked past me
and then at me
I awoke...
hanya

Diaries......

I found some old diaries buried under old blankets in my parents garage. Treasured memories came to surface and I was faced with thoughts and memoirs of days past. It was an insight into my own mind of forgotten memories and some of very vivid ones. It was an enlightening experience to snuggle up on the sofa with my favourite Turkish apple tea and read through pages and pages of words of poetry, experiences and soul searching from the good old days. I discovered that I had let go of a very precious way of passing my time and noting down the memorable events in my life. I called my ray of sunshine and we had a good giggle whilst I recited extracts and secrets from my past long gone. I have decided that I will from time to time throw in some of my past memoirs/poems into my blog and so here is the first one:

"It's funny how fast time flies, one day you are doing something and in a short span of your time the whole world around you changes & then you change to suit the world, it's incredible how life just goes by. I envy the people that are enjoying their life. I wish I could too. Maybe tomorrow will be the beginning for me & things will go my way.

When life seems at it's worse the best is yet to come" - we'll see "Hanya 1994

Sometimes words are never needed, the pictured portrayed is sufficient and summarises everything that I want to say today

My reflection...

I have just spent 4 hours with what I think was Aynah's reflection...

It was a weird and wonderful experience and the amount of sharing was major vvc (vast, varied and considerable). That strong feeling of de ja vu is one of familiarity yet it is not possible for it to be an exact retake of any episode in your life, however this sense of familiarity was so strong that I am adamant that somewhere our paths must have crossed and somehow we have reflected ourselves in one and other and the result was my all nighter with a new love that has sneaked right under my nose and landed in my lap. 

It is not everyday that you can say "hey, just made a friend for life and I think I love her" maybe I see so much of myself in her that I'm basically loving myself, who knows? we'll see......

My Baby Girl

Love comes to us in strange and wonderful ways.

The love I feel for my baby, my flesh, my eyes, my smile...she has them all. Thirty-six hours of excruciating pain followed by so far twelve years of extreme love and affection. My daughter is the hugest love of my life. She completed my strongest desire of loving, giving and making each day count. What nothing and no one could do, she has fulfilled. Her shining eyes and screwed up pug nose made me fall in love with her at first sight. I am blessed with her presence and proud of her smallest achievement. She makes me laugh and I know that without her my life would amount to nothing. A crazy possessive mother, I am definitely one of those. Letting go is not in my make-up and being less crazy for her would be painful.

Ray of Sunshine

Through every dark cloud and every thunder storm I have had a "Ray of sunshine" in my life. It has brought me the strength that I never knew I had, the emotions that I thought I would never feel, the closeness that I had never felt, the friendship that I never knew existed and the love that I had never experienced................

Blue eyed memories...

After 25 years I have come across my first tantalising thoughts felt as a little girl at the great age of 10. I was so proud of my accomplishment! I was in love with a blue eyed boy. Now considering that I was a scrawny twig of a thing with hair that my mother used to keep in shape with her sewing scissors, it was quite an accomplishment! Thanks to Facebook, we meet again and this time we are not walking to school, me trying to walk gracefully in my hand me down too big cousin's Shoes - not such a great start but hey my plan was running through my innocent little head - I was going to offer him some money to kiss me!!! yep you heard right, my first experience of "nothing in life is free". It didn't actually happen, well I did get the kiss but I didn't have to pay for it...I did something a lot worse but we'll leave that discussion to another day...

Finally it has happened....

I knew that I would do it and now I have, welcome Aynah to the world of blogging...I have had to climb over the 34th hill of my life to finally decide that it will be now or never...like many other things in my life the risk of "never" has always been far greater but now here I am & here it is...I welcome this day as the start of something exclusive and soulful!