Sad

I am not sure if it is a good idea to write on my blog with the feelings that are presently weighing me down. I am feeling extremely sad... not stressed, or panicked or angry but just sad. I want to write but I think I will just leave it at that for now. Too sad to even write....

My Gene

I have a gene, it is a ' I know that this is wrong but I shall still do it Gene'. It is a gene that has always given me a feeling of control and empowerment over my own chosen actions yet always repeatedly succeeds to cause so much anguish for other’s.

This gene does have some boundaries as it would never cause me to physically hurt anyone but I am sure that it has caused many or two excruciating emotional pain. Of course this gene does not set out targeting anyone's emotions but it always results in causing the hurt and then rides on back to me causing me to feel the guilt for causing the pain. Am I blaming the tools and it is actually the workman’s doing? probably. But nobody enjoys taking responsibility for the undeliberated ravage of anyone’s emotional breakdown? Not even me! who is somebody that seems to have wandered through life searching for errors to hold, comfort and then proceed alongside with.
I am not proud of my continuous thoughtless actions but at the time of doing I selflessly fulfil my want to please and satisfy my own curiosity and desire of that specific experience. Now don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with physical desire but only the urge to fulfil what I am feeling at that moment in time. Do I learn from my so called mistakes? Obviously not! but are they really mistakes or am I just so caught up in my own little set of societies given rules that I am no longer aware of what is right and what is wrong? Or even what I really want! I know that my actions are deemed as not so bad to some yet horrendous to others, is this me fighting with myself? Trying to show each and every individual what I want them to see? I have lost the way… I need to find myself for myself. I do not think that there has been a time in the past twenty years where I have looked in the mirror upon the reflection of my innerself and thought that “Yes I am happy and at peace with myself“.
I always seem to have this ongoing battle and although I know that I will one day achieve my greatest desire to love myself for me, today is not that day. Today is a bad day and my regrets and sorrows want to kick this gene’s ass.

The Tree

I always focus on what is directly ahead of me, that’s why I suppose I did not notice it even though it stood in very close proximity to me. I looked to my left only after he pointed it out. My preliminary reaction was "poor tree", it looked like it had been through a war, the contrast of the surrounding greenery so fresh and lush yet this poor tree stood bare and naked.

That moment…that time, I felt like the tree looked. Listening to my past from another’s perspective was confusing for me, it brought to me the realisation of how self-absorbed I was and how I overlooked some very crucial sentiments and let so much float away unnoticed.

Is there any point brooding over this now? My mind is rewinding and playing again and again the words, the laugh, the awkwardness, the wants…Mera Kuch 

Samaan tumhare paas parha hai

Sawun ke kucch bheeghey bheeghey din rakhey hain
Aur mere ik khut main lipti raat parhi hai
Wo raat bhujha doh mera woh samaan lauta doh……………..

Closure was the purpose but instead it opened up several untouched boxes containing harsh reality and emotions gone by.

What to do with these now?

I needed that closure I did not need to know how, why and when...
I savoured every word but I did not want it!

I ask myself how do I move on now after refreshing all these thought’s?

"Good night"

SO SIMPLE YET SO CRUEL;

TOO MUCH HISTORY IS ENCASED IN THESE TWO WORDS;

THEY SHOULD BE SEALED OFF IN AN ENVELOPE & ADDRESSED TO NO MANS LAND;

THEY DO NOT BELONG TO ME ANYMORE;

THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN SENT;

"OH WELL" (LONG DEEP SIGH)

APPARENTLY IT'S FOR THE BEST!

alone on this journey
without any fear
ready to face
what lies ahead

to reach a point
of no return
to reach a space
with no one left

should I be afraid?
i ask myself
am I afraid?
i ask myself

adhere to the rules
disengage from the truth
bear all that is received
ask for no more

is this the way?
i ask myself
am I afraid?
i ask myself

i am afraid

i tell myself

i am afraid

Shukuntala......

This represents shukuntala...smart...savvy...bright...fast....efficient and ahem....a show off!

(Please don't mind but I did warn you that this will be a blog for audiences who can handle the truth in a non judgmental way.......)

Cruising in Shukuntalas new Audi TT....oh no hang on...my mistake... sorry it is now her Mazda (bright red at that!) we sped along the country lanes passing paddocks and fields of green lush on a very summery day!!!! The music not quite so Punjabi, however still blaring from the mandatory system that enhances cars of this league. After a light brunch (feast) at Pizza hut we were both too satisfied with life to even move our mouths in conversation so we chose to sit back and relax... well she had to drive! I just laid back and watched the summer sky fly by...
We shared this blissful time together and then it happened...

wham!!!!!! bang....*clash!!!! **crash!!!**** as we turned into my street........reality hit me smack in the face...it started to rain and as I rolled out the car onto the pavement (very low set), I remembered that I have got s***loads of housework/cooking/ironing/dusting/ vacuuming etc etc etc waiting to greet me at home...so I dragged my feet along the path and re entered my life through the front door leaving behind the speed and buzz of the drive... (just a small insight for you into my Saturday afternoon's)

Heer Ranjha

The beauty of Allah's earth.....................................................A scene you will probably never get to see. This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest point. You also see the sun below the moon.

This beautiful photo was sent to me by a friend who I have a very bizarre relationship with.

It is non existent in a very extreme sort of way.
Every year without fail a message will come through via email or sms messaging wishing me best wishes for the day. It brings a smile to my lips and memories of his infatuated talk come back to surface for a few minutes. We were introduced by a mutual friend as friends but somewhere along the lines of friendship he became a Ranjha to his Heer ........incredible really as we only met on a couple of occasions.
It' s weird and wonderful how our paths cross with individuals that can have such an impact......... You discover sides of yourself that you never knew, you see traits that you have carried all your life but never noticed. I've decided that you do not have to be in love with someone to have the heart warming sensation of a genuine friendship. I'm glad that I met him, at least I know that when my mind is low and my self esteem hits the ground, one phone call is all it will take to lift me up in the air again..................................

Ranjha & Heer grieving emotions

“RaaNjha RaaNjha Kardi Ni MaeN
”RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeN

Aape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

RaaNjha maeN vich maeN raaNjhe vich,

Hor khayaal na koi,

MaeN naheeN, o aap haiAapani aap kare dil joi.
RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeN

Aape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Jo koee saaday aNder wasseyzaat asaa

Dee oheejis dey naal meyN niyooNh

lagaayaaoh jehee hoeeRaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeNAape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Hath khunDi, mere ahge maNgu,

MoDHe bhoora loe,

Bulha heer saleTi vekhoKithe ja khaloi.

RaaNjha raaNjha kardi ni maeNAape raaNjha hoi,

Sado ni menu dhido raaNjha,

Heer na aakho koi.

Translation:
Repeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .

Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Ranjha is in me and I in Ranjha .

No other thought exists.

It is he who has done this, not I.

He does it to amuse himself.

Repeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Whoever dwells in me,

He is my casteWhoever I love, I

have become exactly like HimRepeating his name, I have become RaaNjha .

Call me Ranjha , not Heer .

Staff in hand, bowl outstretched,

A coarse brown blanket on his shoulder.Look, says Bulha ,

Where Heer stands!Repeating his name,

I have become RaaNjha .Call me Ranjha , not Heer
Bulleh Shah

What have I done ?

what have I done?... I think that this may be all my fault...I keep telling myself that it is not such a bad thing, however my 12 year old daughter has officially become an "obsessive cleaner".

I do have a particular way of cleaning/wiping dusting/sorting/labelling/filing in my house but I do not actually see it as obsessive!!!! or manic!!!! (even though I have been accused more than once of having a Monica streak in me)

I am beginning to think that it must be a "gene" thing as my daughter fortunately or unfortunately (can't decide) has also inherited this particular "gene" from me.

It all came to light when I fell asleep with exhaustion last night (earlier than my usual 2am drop off on sofa) and was awoken to the sound of the vacuum cleaner...... I thought that I must be most definitely dreaming as only "I" use Henry! so I dropped out of bed and walked over to the familiar sound...and that's when I saw it...my 12 year old vacuuming her window blinds with the upholstery attachment...I blinked twice and looked across her spotless room and noted that she had an array of my (best friends as they have been called on several occasions) cleaning products on her desk!!!! 'Mr muscle' and my 'furniture wipes' seemed to be looking up at me expectantly, waiting for me to hold them and carry them back to the cleaning cupboard settling them back in their allocated (by size) spot but I resisted the temptation. I turned around and walked back and climbed back into my bed...

Believing this to be a dream when I awoke in the morning, I went straight into my off springs bedroom and realised it was no dream..., my daughter's Cleanaholic gene has come to surface... there was not a speck of dust to be seen anywhere or a hairpin out of place! I checked the cleaning cupboard and oh Yes Mr muscle was back in his exact spot in line with all my other pals... Henry was back in his exact spot under the stairs cupboard, attachment back in the box labelled vacuum attachments!!!!! ...obsessive....what huh..... me??? of course not....cleanaholic?? ...whatever made you think that ?

Could, Woulda, Shoulda.......

"When Life seems at it's worse, the best is yet to come"

I have always been an optimist; waiting for the time to come hoping that it will be the best. I am tired now and am not sure which way to turn?

Whichever direction I look to turn into i can see a big heavy black cloud sitting above it.

Contradictory or what?!

This obviously contradicts me being an optimist however I am slowly losing all hope that there is something out there waiting for me to experience as mine.Spent the night weeping for myself and feeling so drained and helpless. I never thought that I was the self pitying type but I really and truly felt sorry for myself . I need to break out of this cycle of self destruction that I seem to be falling deeper and deeper into. I am not liking my being for feeling this way and even though I have always said that I could, would and should, it is turning into a life full of lots of coulda, woulda, shoulda's!!!!!!

goodbye.................

My anger

His anger

playful thoughts

Playful teasing

My anger

His anger

one way

both ways

He said

I said

"If only"

He thought

"As if"

She thought

well here we go

another day

another year

so long

goodbye

have fun

be good

x