The .......ing game

Wanting

Waiting

Smiling

Having

Feeling

then

Resenting

Disliking

Realising

Hating

then

Leaving

~Hanya~

A strand of the past

How is it possible for you to own such feelings you lay claim to have for me

yet you lead your life without me

To reminisce with small fragments of the past in your fingers

yet not claim the right to touch my being with your hands

To speak of the precious times gone by

but to not touch my soul with your voice

How is it possible?

Hanya

Dust off the books

From time to time I will start reading a book hoping that I will be unable to put it down currently I am reading Wild Swans authored by Jung Chang and am taken back in time to China in a mesmerising story of survival. 

I need to pick up novels more often and make time to escape more frequent

Hanya

Gaza

July 2014 will always be the month of Gaza for me - although the Palestinians have been subjected to this pain since 1948 - my acute awareness of their crisis hit hard this year, it changed my perception of the world, its so called leaders and the realisation that human beings can behave in such a disgusting, vile and inhumane way towards fellow brothers, sisters and children. 

Contradictory to the thoughts of many this was not a religious,ethnic or cultural battle but one of humanity.

Love and compassion is what drove me - the unjust treatment of innocent children, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. 

My heart tore at the images of these people, these beautiful people being torn apart.

#freegaza

#freepalestine

#savegaza

Hanya x 

The Orange Moon

cannot sleep
looked out the window and cannot believe how orange the moon is
it is burning
burning like my heart for the children of Gaza
not the best photo but it reassured me that there is a greater power out there
greater than Israel's missiles
greater than Obama's betrayal in his speech
the power of God will supersede these nations and their agendas

Hanya 

Their heart beats on.........

The People of Gaza teach us what pain and courage really is 

we should be ashamed

the world should be ashamed

Gaza we let you down

My heart is sad

Hanya x 

My Heart bled - and then broke for Shaima

My heart bled for Shaima - this beautiful baby born from her dead mother - a miracle in itself.
My heart broke a few days later as beautiful Shaima left this world - just 4 days on this earth.
This angel taken away to be reunited with her mother. May Allah bless this child and her mother. Ameen

Hanya

Ayanah - The Protester

Protesting against the illegal occupation of the Nation of P.A.L.E.S.T.I.N.E  - at the age of five years old, Ayanah accepted that we were standing in the heat and protesting so that all her friends who live in Palestine can have a home like hers, teaching our children to empathise with others is crucial.

Hanya x 

F R E E G A Z A

Enough

Saturated to the point of exhaustion....mind numbing visuals.....heart stopping footage.....praying for the atrocities to STOP. need to sleep. Struggling.

#freegaza
#freepalestine
#stopkillingthechildrenofgaza
#juststop

Home - where I place my head

A place called home

my home

I never wanted a mansion

just a place called home

my home

I never wanted grand furniture

just a comfy chair

my chair

I never wanted expensive furnishings

just a comfy bed

my bed

I never wanted glamour

just a sense of style

my style

I never wanted a show home

just a choice

my choice

I am blessed with what I wanted

I am grateful for what I have

my home

Home Sweet Home

Hanya
x

The walk

its your road, and yours alone

others may walk it with you

but no one else can walk it for you

~ Rumi ~

2014

Resolutions made to be undone? 
Vows made to be broken?
Promises spoken to be crushed? 
Love made to be lost? 
Hearts made to bleed?
If this is all my doing?
Then be gone my love 
I can hold me close 
I can love me more
I can save me 
but 
YOU
I can not save
I can not love
I can not hold 
selfish? 
heartless? 
brutal? 
seal your lips 
let the answers remain untold 
H x

my children my world and me

 

14 May 1974

14th May 1974 
I was blessed with a mother and father who are uncomparable 
true 
love 
does 
exist
 but only in the unconditional love a parent has for their child

Hanya x 

crazy living - today

Living in reality

your heart is dreaming

your head is spinning 

you feel like pausing for one second

just a second to reflect on your life

its purpose

its goals

its past

what to do when your heart stops

and your own self made reality hits you hard

an oncoming bus with no brakes

you have no where to run but to face it full on

Hanya

Potato Salad

So there I am preparing dinner with the menu of Quiche, steamed vegetables and Potato Salad - hit a raw nerve - not the whole menu just part of it - I stop to think - regain my train of thought and ponder on whether to use red onion or spring onion and then resume chopping and adding. I am aware that I will have these moments but then they will pass and I will recollect my thoughts and continue on making dinner!

Hanya

Impossible - Love this too much

Warren House

Sitting on the corner of a main road, vacant, Warren House was calling out to me. I was not looking to buy so the For Sale board jutting out of the ground was teasing me gently. The vintage-ness seemed to be running through each and every angle of this house and my heartstrings were being tugged silently by the wooden framed doorway.

Driving by one day my eye caught the To Let board which made things possible and I left my own house to reside in this quaint and very old build. I am afraid to say that in my readiness to adopt this old and dilapidated property (which possesses a damp cellar) I lost sight sight of all practicalities and followed my heart. I am now residing in Warren House - this large cold house that is crying out for some tender loving care has become my dwelling.

My love for this house has not been lost but I am certainly not in love with it as much as I thought I would be. I am still totally in awe of it and have dreams to cherish and hold on to it it but my purse strings do not feel the same, they are so stretched that this old cold and beautiful house would bankrupt me further if I chose to make it my own for life. Sometimes you have to just let go - it is hard and I still don't want to - I feel let down by my love for Warren House - I feel that Warren House has betrayed me - sombre and silently - it has not met my expectations.

Stawberry Picking x

ice

the voice of cold

the shiver of delight

brings forth the frost

and an icy quiet

go find one else to chill

for the heat hither

will melt you

will scald you

will burn you

cold you may be

frosty you may seem

but fire will always burn

the coldest of things

I will always win

always

hanya

Impossible - Love this

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love

I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
Broken trust and broken hearts

I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear

I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken

All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love

I did

MDM -Spaniard

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next

The days are passing; it's been so long, me amor.

I miss your long embrace and warm kisses--I need more.

My heart longs for your closeness and your treasured glances

saying more than words could express during moonlit dances.

During the long days, we play in the fields, he has your eyes.

He's full of energy--asking for Papa stories--running with ponies.

Remember--he thinks he is one of them, running wild and free.

He treasures the tiny clay pony you gave him when you left--left me.

I pray morning and night for your safe return, me amor.

Closing my eyes, caressing my little clay figure; I close my door.

My tears flood the night, Dreams of you end all to soon. I'm alone.

Me amor, is there time in a soldier's day for thoughts of home?

A general of Rome, commander of battles, living with death,

I can't imagine my tender, loving dearest forcing one's last breath!

A warrior you are, loyal subject of the Emperor, Defender of Rome,

I miss you dearest Maximus.............................please come home.

Someday you WILL return to me, the gods have determined our fate.

I'll wait for you in the golden fields beyond the old wooden gate.

The sun will shine eternally, our son will laugh, the ponies wildly run.

We will be together through eternity in the golden fields of Elysium.

(By Rayda Santrach)

Christmas has come

oh what fun

presents to give out

presents to come

lighted candles on the tree

oh what fun

oh what glee!

I can recall this poem like it was yesterday and no matter how much crucial information leaves my brain, this poem has stayed. I recall writing it for an english class at junior school. Poetry was not one of my strong points but obviously christmas played a big part in my childhood and had an impact on my ability to put words together. It may seem like a simple childlike rhyme to some but I can still feel the excitement and longing for a tree with candles dressed with gifts bursting to be stripped x

My ignorance has long died and the pagan worship of wood with the commercialised drama of Christmas has been observed however the warmth of the hearth and twinkling lights I am sure can melt anyones heart, cos it does mine every year x  

H x

4 in the morning - Love it

Waking up to find another day

The moon got lost again last night

But now the sun has finally had its say

I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in

It's all over me

i`m lying here in the dark

watching you sleep, it hurts a lot

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

All I wanted was to know i`m safe

Don't wanna lose the love I`ve found

Remember when you said that you would change

Don't let me down

It's not fair, how you are

I can't be complete, can you give me more

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

Oh please, you know what I need

Save all your love for me

We can't escape the love

Give me everything that you have

And all I know is you've got to give me everything

and nothing less,cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring

And I want make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time

Baby if we're gonna do it come we do it right

Britishstani

The Queens 60th Jubilee celebrations and the Olympics 2012 in London brought with it a frenzy of red, white & blue, not my favourite combination of colours, however I have never felt more British and more sentimental about my home country then I do now in 2012.

I have a very minor interest in Sport but the olympics was more than just a sporting event - the opening ceremony was incredible to watch and the closing ceremony just as fantastic. The ceremonies entertained the world internationally but I truly felt that the essence of the countdown and the journey from the source of the river thames. From the hedges in the countryside to the birds eye view of the river thames (that clearly only means eastenders to us digestive dunkers)
I feel England
I feel British
I feel the passion
I feel good but hey whats this? I look Pakistani   
Being born in the heart of the east end of London - why would this look be a problem? I have played knock down ginger and kiss chase in the playground. I have had high teas in Harrods and sadly mourned the much loved Lady Diana. I have loved Simon Le-bon and danced to Wham. I have woken up to the milk mans cart and played out till dusk. I have walked to school alone and managed to not speak to any strangers. I have played on the space hopper and chalked a hopskotch on the pavement - and if this is not enough I can compile an even longer list, but who am I trying to convince? anyone? noone? - or myself? 
These thoughts came about I guess on 14th August (yesterday) when the messages and facebook status's were screaming Happy independance day for Pakistan, sadly I did not feel the passion or the desire to place a flag on my wall. I will be shunned by some for admitting this but my affliation for Pakistan stops at my parents. I lived in Pakistan for six years but it never felt like home - I looked the part but I did not feel it.
I did try though
oh how I tried - I tried hard but it only led to confuse me further and I had to come back to the truth to what I am.
Pakistani?
British?
pakistani british?
britishstani - b r i t i s h s t a n i - yes thats the word - that describes me best x

Hanya

Riverside Festival

A three day stall  in August 2012 to show off my creativity and also make some money - I did less of the latter but enjoyed every minute of the festival and was proud of my daughters commitment to selling my goods with such passion.
enjoy the pics
Hanya

Lies

He walked alongside me pure and true
I walked on a path of lies
He expected nothing but the truth
I gave nothing but lies
he wanted the truth
I feared the truth
He looked at me
I feared his distaste
He gave it
I felt it
Broken hearted because of all the lies

Hanya

To do list

think .....smile..... send a text.....write on a wall.....smile.....ponder 

and then move on with the choices made for reasons now unknown to me.

Hanya

Stepping Stone

I remember way back way back when
I said i never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you're loving somebody else
And I knew oh yes I knew I couldn't control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so I put on a face just like your friend's
But I think you know oh yes you know whats going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong
But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own
You used to call me up from time to time
And it would be so hard for me not to cross the line
The words of love layed on my lips just like a curse
And i knew oh yes i knew they'd only make it worse
And now you have the nerve to play along
Just like the maestro beats in a song
You got your kicks you get your kicks from playing me
And the less you give the more i want so foolishly
But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own...
No I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone

Running Away

When she was just a girl
                                        She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
                                       So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of paradise
                                       Every time she closed her eyes

currentability

Alone
I am a superhero
With you
I am a mere mortal

You deplete me
I'm tired of being your upgrade-We are not equally yoked
You really deserve someone more basic
I'm tired of pretending your mediocrity is okay with me
I'm tired of pretending I don't miss knowledge
I'm tired of pretending you're not a burden on my mind
I'm tired of you living in my crib

Stop telling me you love me as if you're doing me some sort of favor
I don't need you to love me
I love me

I'm tired of pretending like you shouldn't be intimidated by the other people in my life
I'm tired of you taking all this stuff for granted as if you ever deserved any of it

Stop rolling way over onto my side of the bed to hold me. I'm over here for a reason. 

Stop

just stop

look away

I don't live here anymore

Stop telling me you love me as if you're doing me some sort of favor

I don't need you to love me

I love me

hanya

stop

Stop rolling way over onto my side of the bed to hold me

I'm over here for a reason

alone

"Alone

I am a superhero

With you

I am a mere mortal"

stitch it back together

sometimes you have just got to be your own hero
 and save your own little heart,
because sometimes the people you can't imagine living without,
can actually live without you

Random: t.h.i.n.k

I think
he thinks
she thinks
they think
we think
but
nobody sees
neither I
nor him
nor she
nor them
nor us
No-body

Hanya

B E C O M I N G

becoming a being that I despise
befriending a being that I fight
what is this?
is it me. Now
is this what i have become
is this what is destined for me
can it be altered
can I change it 
can i live it?
can I breath it
can i let go
will i fall?
will anything break
is it me. Then
is it me Now
is it me. Forever

Hanya x

So proud

M>A>R>R>I>A>G>E>

MARRIAGE

• a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

• a rite where two people, under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, promise to maintain this excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;

• a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;

• a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;

Am I being a pessimist or speaking from experience?

C.L.O.S.U.R.E

My insight on closure heightened when the seven letter word came across the web into my inbox and a sense of relief spread through me as if it was running through every blood vessel in my body.

Achieving a sense of closure is not always an easy task and can take time.
I guess having closure means gaining a better understanding of why things happened. Having closure means you do not go through the remaining part of your life wondering what you did wrong and why it has ended. A healthy closure involves talking honestly about what went on in the whole situation and what went wrong. It also helps to appreciate the things that went well, to learn something from the experience and treasure the good parts.

Closure shouts letting go, which can be the hard part. It’s a way to stop clinging to the idea, the person, the thing. It can be very difficult and challenging when one does not know how to or lacks the experience in letting go.

Closure gives us a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending why then do we avoid closures? It may be the desire not to offend that keeps a relationship afloat. The feelings of Loss can also be paramount. One’s self ego is also a reason to keep that feeling alive – to know that someone out there still loves you or treasures bits of you. A sense of comfort.

The Lack of closure can linger forever and significantly affect our lives on a daily basis. It’s more complicated & hurtful when you don’t want it to end but the other involved does, however a mutual understanding of the situation which is held on by the last few strands should sometimes be cut swiftly to avoid any further heartbreak or tears.

Remembrance

Remember M

Remember E

Put them together

and remember ME

Hanya x

emptiness

nothing more left to say
words have abandoned me
no energy left to search for them
letters sent that form words feel foreign
you have given me the way forward
though you set me back
lost in a vast abyss
searching for direction
for me, myself & I
no more questions
no more setbacks
no more animosity
Hanya x

"If I cast my eyes before me, towards an infinite space in which I do not exist
And if I look behind me, what a terrible procession there in which I do not exist
And how little space I occupy in this first bit of time"

I am not sure where I got this quote from, however I have carefully scribed it in my little diary back in 1997

Mysterious TIME

Where are you leading me O'time?
How long shall I follow you?
Upon this mysterious road

How long shall my soul ascend
and descend on this twisting
and rocky path.

Like a lost child I'm following you,
holding on to you for my dreams,
and attracted to you
by an inner force within me which I can not deny.

Halt for a moment,
Let me learn, the secret of my existance,
stop, for I am weary and my soul is dying
Wait I'm stumbling in the darkness.
Let me surrender,
keep grasping my hand in yours
keep embracing my body with yours
Take me but never lead me.

February 7th 1997

Freedom
Please give me space
Space to breathe the fresh air
to feel the breeze on my face
Please let me free, free to run after the wind
which will lead me to the earths end,
so that i can decide my own fate, fate which is destined
Destined for me.
Please let me free, for my inner self is yearning to be released
Please feel and grant my only wish;
                                           Freedom!
Hanya

A Belief

Come to me sweet child
do not weep for your fate is already written
written for you to cry or laugh.
Please don't shed tears for if you smile that is your fate

Memoirs of a blogger

Recently I came across my little lockable red leather five year diary started in 1997 - it does not hold any famous secrets or elaborate confessions instead it is full of poetry of which half is well known and composed by others, some are written by me.....and some I just don't know if I wrote it or not which is quite bizarre but I guess does it really matter?


Time moves on but the emotions of a twenty year old are still there! I am surprised that how vividly I can feel those days again by just looking at the scrawls on the page. Each word describing and expressing the moment.

I am thinking that this diary was sort of a hard back version of my blog today!!!! the medium and technology has changed but the theory is still the same

I will be transferring extracts from the diary to my blog (even though it is a timepiece in itself but I guess the blog may hold out longer than the diary!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first piece I have carefully written across three pages is:
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

I have always loved this prose - Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be Desired."

Enjoy x


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.


If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

further Background information


This poem has an interesting history. According to a well-referenced posting at http://www.fleurdelis.com/desidera.htm, "The author is Max Ehrmann, a poet and lawyer from Terre Haute, Indiana, who lived from 1872 to 1945. It has been reported that ‘Desiderata’ was inspired by an urge that Ehrmann wrote about in his diary: ‘I should like, if I could, to leave a humble gift—a bit of chaste prose that had caught up some noble moods.’
"Around 1959, the Rev. Frederick Kates, the rector of St. Paul’s Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of devotional materials he compiled for his congregation. (Some years earlier he had come across a copy of ‘Desiderata.’) At the top of the handout was the notation, ‘Old St. Paul’s Church, Baltimore A.C. 1692.’ (The church was founded in 1692).
"As the material was handed from one friend to another, the authorship became clouded. Copies with the ‘Old St. Paul’s Church’ notation were printed and distributed liberally in the years that followed. It is perhaps understandable that a later publisher would interpret this notation as meaning that the poem itself was found in Old St. Paul’s Church, dated 1692. This notation no doubt added to the charm and historic appeal of the poem, despite the fact that the actual language in the poem suggests a more modern origin.
"The poem was popular prose for the ‘make peace, not war’ movement of the 1960s. When Adlai Stevenson died in 1965, a guest in his home found a copy of ‘Desiderata’ near his bedside and discovered that Stevenson had planned to use it in his Christmas cards. The publicity that followed gave widespread fame to the poem as well as the mistaken relationship to St. Paul’s Church."