stitch it back together

sometimes you have just got to be your own hero
 and save your own little heart,
because sometimes the people you can't imagine living without,
can actually live without you

Random: t.h.i.n.k

I think
he thinks
she thinks
they think
we think
but
nobody sees
neither I
nor him
nor she
nor them
nor us
No-body

Hanya

B E C O M I N G

becoming a being that I despise
befriending a being that I fight
what is this?
is it me. Now
is this what i have become
is this what is destined for me
can it be altered
can I change it 
can i live it?
can I breath it
can i let go
will i fall?
will anything break
is it me. Then
is it me Now
is it me. Forever

Hanya x

So proud

M>A>R>R>I>A>G>E>

MARRIAGE

• a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

• a rite where two people, under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, promise to maintain this excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;

• a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;

• a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;

Am I being a pessimist or speaking from experience?

C.L.O.S.U.R.E

My insight on closure heightened when the seven letter word came across the web into my inbox and a sense of relief spread through me as if it was running through every blood vessel in my body.

Achieving a sense of closure is not always an easy task and can take time.
I guess having closure means gaining a better understanding of why things happened. Having closure means you do not go through the remaining part of your life wondering what you did wrong and why it has ended. A healthy closure involves talking honestly about what went on in the whole situation and what went wrong. It also helps to appreciate the things that went well, to learn something from the experience and treasure the good parts.

Closure shouts letting go, which can be the hard part. It’s a way to stop clinging to the idea, the person, the thing. It can be very difficult and challenging when one does not know how to or lacks the experience in letting go.

Closure gives us a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending why then do we avoid closures? It may be the desire not to offend that keeps a relationship afloat. The feelings of Loss can also be paramount. One’s self ego is also a reason to keep that feeling alive – to know that someone out there still loves you or treasures bits of you. A sense of comfort.

The Lack of closure can linger forever and significantly affect our lives on a daily basis. It’s more complicated & hurtful when you don’t want it to end but the other involved does, however a mutual understanding of the situation which is held on by the last few strands should sometimes be cut swiftly to avoid any further heartbreak or tears.

Remembrance

Remember M

Remember E

Put them together

and remember ME

Hanya x

emptiness

nothing more left to say
words have abandoned me
no energy left to search for them
letters sent that form words feel foreign
you have given me the way forward
though you set me back
lost in a vast abyss
searching for direction
for me, myself & I
no more questions
no more setbacks
no more animosity
Hanya x

"If I cast my eyes before me, towards an infinite space in which I do not exist
And if I look behind me, what a terrible procession there in which I do not exist
And how little space I occupy in this first bit of time"

I am not sure where I got this quote from, however I have carefully scribed it in my little diary back in 1997

Mysterious TIME

Where are you leading me O'time?
How long shall I follow you?
Upon this mysterious road

How long shall my soul ascend
and descend on this twisting
and rocky path.

Like a lost child I'm following you,
holding on to you for my dreams,
and attracted to you
by an inner force within me which I can not deny.

Halt for a moment,
Let me learn, the secret of my existance,
stop, for I am weary and my soul is dying
Wait I'm stumbling in the darkness.
Let me surrender,
keep grasping my hand in yours
keep embracing my body with yours
Take me but never lead me.

February 7th 1997

Freedom
Please give me space
Space to breathe the fresh air
to feel the breeze on my face
Please let me free, free to run after the wind
which will lead me to the earths end,
so that i can decide my own fate, fate which is destined
Destined for me.
Please let me free, for my inner self is yearning to be released
Please feel and grant my only wish;
                                           Freedom!
Hanya

A Belief

Come to me sweet child
do not weep for your fate is already written
written for you to cry or laugh.
Please don't shed tears for if you smile that is your fate

Memoirs of a blogger

Recently I came across my little lockable red leather five year diary started in 1997 - it does not hold any famous secrets or elaborate confessions instead it is full of poetry of which half is well known and composed by others, some are written by me.....and some I just don't know if I wrote it or not which is quite bizarre but I guess does it really matter?


Time moves on but the emotions of a twenty year old are still there! I am surprised that how vividly I can feel those days again by just looking at the scrawls on the page. Each word describing and expressing the moment.

I am thinking that this diary was sort of a hard back version of my blog today!!!! the medium and technology has changed but the theory is still the same

I will be transferring extracts from the diary to my blog (even though it is a timepiece in itself but I guess the blog may hold out longer than the diary!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first piece I have carefully written across three pages is:
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

I have always loved this prose - Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be Desired."

Enjoy x


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.


If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

further Background information


This poem has an interesting history. According to a well-referenced posting at http://www.fleurdelis.com/desidera.htm, "The author is Max Ehrmann, a poet and lawyer from Terre Haute, Indiana, who lived from 1872 to 1945. It has been reported that ‘Desiderata’ was inspired by an urge that Ehrmann wrote about in his diary: ‘I should like, if I could, to leave a humble gift—a bit of chaste prose that had caught up some noble moods.’
"Around 1959, the Rev. Frederick Kates, the rector of St. Paul’s Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of devotional materials he compiled for his congregation. (Some years earlier he had come across a copy of ‘Desiderata.’) At the top of the handout was the notation, ‘Old St. Paul’s Church, Baltimore A.C. 1692.’ (The church was founded in 1692).
"As the material was handed from one friend to another, the authorship became clouded. Copies with the ‘Old St. Paul’s Church’ notation were printed and distributed liberally in the years that followed. It is perhaps understandable that a later publisher would interpret this notation as meaning that the poem itself was found in Old St. Paul’s Church, dated 1692. This notation no doubt added to the charm and historic appeal of the poem, despite the fact that the actual language in the poem suggests a more modern origin.
"The poem was popular prose for the ‘make peace, not war’ movement of the 1960s. When Adlai Stevenson died in 1965, a guest in his home found a copy of ‘Desiderata’ near his bedside and discovered that Stevenson had planned to use it in his Christmas cards. The publicity that followed gave widespread fame to the poem as well as the mistaken relationship to St. Paul’s Church."

Quote of the week for me

" If you postpone the decision you delay the judgement"

 Louise Wigan -  psychotherapist

Courage

Is it possible to have strength without courage? I am sure I have the strength but apparently no courage to go with it. This is a self assessment and am wondering is it possible to work on gaining courage or is it something you are blessed with from birth?

        ~Hanya~

Enrique Iglesias - EUPHORIA TOUR

eu·pho·ri·a   /yuˈfɔriə, -ˈfoʊr-/ Show Spelled

[yoo-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] Show IPA

–noun Psychology .

a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania.

I can definitely say that I was in a state of Euphoria watching Enrique perform his vocals and magnetic moves last night at the Nottingham Arena. An infatuation with this beautiful being has been with me for around ten years. I am still with him from his slightly chubby, mole on the face Bailamos days till now in his sleeker non moled perfectly toned and kill me now smile days.
 
I think I am correct in saying that he seems to have no apparent flaws, I am beginning to suspect that this is how nature intended all men to look  but somewhere through the years of evolution things have drastically gone wrong and we have ended up with a variety of specimen who call themselves men! Thus defining Enrique Iglesias as the finest of the Specimen around today.
 

Conclusion - I Love Him

My love for my babes  keeps me in place and  it does not allow me to falter or be afraid
it gives me the strength to stand up to all.
My instabilities become stable.
My fears dissolve
My actions are controlled.
I am held down in this love
a love so pure.
I thank Allah for all his blessings.
For all the love I am able to give to these two beings of mine.
For the smiles
The tears
The patience
The fears faced to protect and cherish my two favorites
Hanya

I love Yusuf Estes

Short Description:

Yusuf Estes is loved very much by young and old alike. They call him the "Funny Shaikh". Children and adults of all faiths delight hearing him entertain while presenting the pure message of Islam. His story “Priests & Preachers Enter Islam” is truly amazing. You laugh and cry at the same time. He was raised in a strong Christian home, educated in Texas and became successful owning music stores, TV shows and used his talents for piano and organ as a music minister while preaching the Bible. His book "Bible: A Closer Look" is online at:BibleIslam.com He served as Delegate to United Nations Peace Summit for Religious Leaders and U.S. Federal chaplain from 1994 until 2000. His lectures in universities, institutions, military and public venues are for all faiths: Muslim, Hindu, Christian and Jewish alike. Many preachers, priests and rabbis have complimented his way of presenting a fresh and enlightening picture of the world's fastest growing religion - Islam. He works to share Islam and its correct message with our youth, new Muslims and others in simple English terms, and he makes it fun and easy to understand, while referring to Quran and teachings of Islam. Shaikh Yusuf brings many new people to Islam using straight talk and humor, while answering many of the harsh attacks against Islam and the Muslims. He makes it fun and easy for all to understand.

Be sure to see the link:
http://yusufestes.blogspot.com/2007/10/background-bio-for-yusuf-estes.html

My vague and lighthearted thoughts on Addictions

The American Society of Addiction Medicine has this definition for Addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in the individual pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. The addiction is characterized by impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships. Like other chronic diseases, addiction can involve cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

How easily we use the term addiction yet have we ever considered the make up of our so called addictions?

Does an addiction have to have only a negative impact on your life.... drugs - substances - smoking or can we be addicted to i.e. the smell of fresh flowers in the house?

Can we become addicted to smiling and wanting to constantly smile?

Can we become addicted to behaving in a selfless manner and contributing to society in everyway we possibly can?

My craving and inability to abstain from doing the housework until the reward of a clean and orderly house is reached is now part of my life.....I do sometimes relapse and end up climbing my way through mounds of Ironing and garbage, however is this enough to validate it as an ADDICTION??

I
 have addictions....some good, some bad? I do not want to overcome them as I have them due to the fact that I like them.......and have kept them in my life out of choice....is this contradicting the theory

"The addiction is characterized by impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships.

Are some of us just born to be addicts? is this withihn our genetic makeup? I certainly believe in the latter.

Once an addict always an addict which does not really give me a choice, but to continue in this addictive manner and hopefully endeavour to take control of my addictions and review the potential hazard they may impose on me is a task on my forever increasing total addictive To do list!

Hanya

Dear Friend

Dear Friend

You keep asking me these questions about my state of mind.......
my crazy state of mind
I dont have the answers - and if I did would I speak to you of them?
I dont have the energy - and if I did would I use it on you?
I dont even have the time - and if I did would I spend it on you?

You speak of storing regrets
let go
what was not meant to be
was not.....
is not.....
has not.....

and probably wont!
apologies for the bluntness
but I know you will not understand
even though you will think you do
you will always think that you do
but you do not

Hanya

Which way now?

Here I am at the crossroads again
Which way to turn
Is it in my control?
Do I take the first step in the direction I think I should take?
or will I just stand here and wait to be pushed into the direction he wishes me to take?
Life would be so much simpler
If  both options led to the same place

Hanya

Text Message

Tairey siva koei Na tha.......Tairay siva koei nahee.....U are the only one I loved...

reply

Loved?? ok

boring repetition

ok so here I am back to the same place I was exactly 2 and half years ago..........why has nothing changed?

Now you have something to say......

You say we have nothing in common.

Really?

Is that so?

Well I have to disappoint you!

We actually do.

No matter how different we are,

we're both human beings

we breathe

we eat

we hurt

we smile

we cry

we're under the same sky

we love

we hate

we have feelings......

Now you have something to say

Hanya

Cant get this song out of my mind - SOMEONE LIKE YOU - Adele

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

In silence we met

In Silence we met

In silence I grieve

That thy heart could forget

The spirit deceive

If I should meet thee

after long years

How should I greet thee 

With Silence or tears

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
 Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you Off in the night while you live it up
I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me Someone like me I'm ready now
Someone like you
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
I've been roaming around up
Looking down at all I see

pixie lott

n i a s s u h a y n a h

H aving it all
A nd knowing it all
N ever letting it go
Y ielding as much as i can
A nd holding on

H as me thinking that
U nderstanding
S uch feelings is
S o enlightening so
A s to what point will
I surrender and
N ever to let go

EVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

looking beyond

afar

in the distance and seeing the smile of wisdom

the smile of love

the twinkle in the eyes

the thoughts lost in a vast sea of illusions

could he?

did he?

does he?

of course he does!

could she?

does she?

did she?

of course she did

then why all this misery?

because we are and always will be the culprit of our own distruction....

can we make it better?

of course we can

but is it too late?

maybe

maybe not

who knows?

he knows and always will

forever and ever

n
ever

n

ever

n

ever

never?

one small mistake can change the result.... always see from each angle not from what it just seems like to you!

love

Hanya

Christmas

Besides the trillions of smaller things, the one thing I missed whilst living abroad in Pakistan was Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas time. My favourite season of the year is winter so combined with the yuletide festivities I could really not ask for anything more. Now don't get me wrong, the holly jolly Christmas season is not about religion for me, and neither is it the massive commercialised coca cola Santa Claus either!

The flavours of Christmas clementines, cinnamon hot teas and spiced apple pies, eating chocolates with no remorse and receiving gifts from neighbours you have never spoken to! I love it for the warmth you feel indoors and how home becomes your sanctuary after a long cold day.

My favourite Christmas memory has to be the one where dad would pack all the kids into the car and drive down Oxford street to show us all the Christmas lights. To this day I like to go and see the Christmas lights! No anar kali or liberty could replace that childhood memory or for that matter even come near. Christmas has nothing to do with my religion and many people around me suggest that celebrating it in any manner is wrong, however the memories linked with the innocence of childhood cant be erased.

G for Gemaal

So proud of Gemaal as his achievements have filled me with contentment, pride and the knowledge that he will be alright - InshaAllah.
Praying to Allah for his success to rise to unimaginable peaks and his dreams fulfilled.
He is surely blessed by his mothers Dua's and love.
Keep on striving: you were the last one in a line of six but are now at number one.
Love Hanya

I Talk

I talk
To no avail

I speak
But no one is listening

I cry
no one to wipe the tears

I yearn
To no effect

I scream
But it is silent

I try
But nothing changes

My pain within is mine alone

My heart beats to no sound

My breath is unsettled

But again nothing

Except empty promises of change
Of Love
Of merry go rounds
With no lights
No music
No horses
No movement
No life
So no Point
Except for a vast space
Filled with empty cold metal

The eeriness
The silence
The cold harsh metal of my life
Is mine for keeps
My yearning will never stop for bright lights music and love
For the warmth Of the enclosure Of arms of love

I talk

to no avail

I write with the plan to avail.

Hanya

Blog revamp!

Sorry guys if my blog is looking a bit green! it is not ill, I just felt like a change and after trying out

• black - mysterious
• Red - sexy
• Lime Green & Pink - Bold and vivacious

I have in fact returned to a natural and calm colour theme of green and beige which to be honest I guess is what reflects my personality. I like routine and familiarity, I like nature and the serenity of it. I fantasise about being bold, wild and daring but in reality it ain't happened yet! I guess one should never say never so watch this space. 

bye for now
Love and Hugs
Hanya

misunderstood

Coming away from an ordeal of trying to explain my frustrations and not being understood.

Misunderstood for so long, the frustration is infuriating in itself
waiting for him to say the right words and take the lead
Him not hearing my cries
My screams of hurt
My senses turning numb with the effort of trying
Trying to make a point
A point that I have been making for what seems a lifetime
A lifetime of inconsistent love
A lifetime of words
Hours and hours of just words
Is he listening?
Does he care?
Has he ever listened
Has he ever cared?
I know nothing anymore
I want to not care anymore
I want to give up
But can't
I won't

Hanya

Bizarreness

A dream I had last night has had me thinking all day. An incident in my childhood (at the age of about 10 I think) was recalled in the dream and myself and this other person, we spoke about it, the emotions, the unspoken communication felt that many years ago were so strongly apparent in my dream that I woke up in a strange mode of days gone by.

I had always thought that it was only a one sided infatuation, however my dream has enlightened me and showed me that all along he did and has and now he came into my sleep and told me so.

The most bizarre thing was that the encounter in my dream was in the present. I have not seen him for over 20 years yet I knew what he looked like and recognised him by these feelings refreshed.

Bizarre totally bizarre!

Flattery will get you no where

No.

I am not flattering you and I don't want to go anywhere.

I am telling you the truth.

You can't compare yourself with anything.

You are prettier of all.

I Dream

I dream a dream

of laying my head on
the same pillow
of smiling as I watch him
do his thing,
His smile
His stance
His jokes

The eyes; his smiling eyes
My eyes watching him
loving him
feeling him
knowing him
smiling with him

I dream of laying next to him
knowing that his eyes are
loving me
feeling me
knowing me
smiling with me

I dream a dream
only a dream

hanya

TiMeLeSs QuAlItY

• REMIND ME OF THAT TIME
• show me that time
• A TIME GONE BY
• a time lost but not forgotten
• A TIME WITH TIMELESS QUALITY
• a time with all i thought i needed
• SHOW ME THAT TIME
• remind me of that time

for a second......

What to a make of it?

His swagger

His look

His Laugh

His manner

His Jovialness

His Craziness

But does he?

Will he?

Is he?

What to make of the outwardly glance?

...the moment of stillness

if only for a second

the beat of my heart

still

if only for a second.......

HANYA

How can one tell?

how can one tell

how one is feeling
if all one's life you have lived a lie
a lie that started with no end in sight
a lie that brought you the good and the sad
a lie that engulfs you with every breath
a lie that you did not tell but it engulfed your life
so now you live a life

• so false
• so fake
• such a farce 

Hanya

Fear

With these feelings, I walk the rope -

Afraid - not of the fall but of the fear of falling

Hanya

maybe it is.....

Crazy as it may be

lonely as it maybe

the love for solitude

is not crazy to me

Peace around me

no one near me

hearing my thoughts

all alone in me

brings me to think

that crazy as it may seem

lonely as it may seem

the love for solitude

is not as crazy as it may seem

Hanya

The Fire is on

Neglected my blog for a very long time but the amount of thoughts I have accumulated should keep me busy for some time. 

I am going through many views, feelings and emotions all day and everyday.
It is time to create and recreate myself from scratch. Falling, brushing down and getting up seems to be the story of my life.
My exterior never gives away my feelings however inside the heat is on and I am on fire. Don't want to smoulder anymore, want to keep it bright and alive.

I wish...

i wish upon upon a star

a star so bright so bright so far

so far so close so close i burnt 

i burnt real bad real bad i felt

i felt the skip the skip of my heart

my heart ablaze ablaze with heat

the heat was too much too much for me

for me so true so true for him

for him not so not so

I wish...

aynah x

9 months later

The fact that I am blogging again means that I am returning back to some kind of mental stability and have a little time to myself after going through nine months of physical and emotional turmoil! The newest addition to the family has plonked herself on my lap and is one of the most beautiful bundles of babyness that I have ever been blessed with. Just to recap I have one 13 year old daughter and have now been given a cute little human being to nurture and love once again.
Loving every minute of it and hating the lack of minutes I have in my life to do everything else!
My life flipped inside out for a while and now I am recuperating and prioritising my baby's life to fit into mine, well actually I think it would be right to say for my life to fit into hers!
Her entrance into the world was a shy one however her feisty nature is evolving and her whimpers have turned into screams.
Loving her more each day, falling crazily in love with her every second. I felt a void and now that she is here, she has filled the space and blessed me with good things
Loving you "Ayanah"
- mama -

ab kya?

In the absence, it was working
In the presence it is failing
Now What?

My dear mamoo

a very sad end to a man so gentle so loving and so dear to us all

the regret coated with pain of not doing more for him while he lived and breathed the air we do will journey with us till the end

may Allah grant him a good place and free him from any burdens he carries Inshallah.

so sad for a man so soft

so sad for my dear uncle who has lost his life to such tragic events caused by his own.

an event that no one will forget

an event that will bring tears whenever his sincere and humble smile comes to mind.

Allah un ko Janath Naseeb Karein

Ameen